Dear customers that we seat, feed, serve, and clean up after:
The first thing we would like for you to know is that, believe it or not, you have the power and ability to make or break our day with your attitude towards us. We would also love for you to know that we have a sixth sense in detecting if you have ever worked a restaurant or hospitality job—it takes us a matter of five seconds to sense this after you have walked through the door. We already have a love/hate relationship with this industry, please do not make us consider quitting on the spot or say something that you do not want to hear. Let's make this a pleasant experience for the both of us, shall we?
1. Unless you are coming to dine at 11 a.m., do not expect to have a "quiet place" to eat and converse. If this is your perfect ideal, you should probably just eat at your own house.
2. If I ask you if a table is all right before I seat you, please still be okay with that decision when we get to said table.
3. I'm seating you at a perfectly good table. That only dirty table in the restaurant is not as nice as all the other clean ones—I guarantee it.
4. If your child is learning to eat, you should know that crunched up chips and smushed rice is quite difficult to get out of carpet (you should try it at your own house).
5. If you let your children terrorize the restaurant and climb on things, I am not responsible for what happens to them if they run into my leg while I am carrying a hot tray of food.
6. I would prefer if you didn't order four waters and one entree to split between your family, but hey, whatever floats your boat.
7. Yes, please let me turn down the air and music in the entire restaurant just so YOU are comfortable.
8. Please do not tell me your party could be anywhere from five to 12 people. That number range is much too difficult for me to seat.
9. Do not even think about seating yourself on the patio, because I will make sure no one helps you until you come back to the host stand to complain about not being served.
10. When you stiff me on a tip, I would like you to be aware of the fact that due to tipshare, I just paid for you to eat, so you're welcome. 
11. If you have a shellfish allergy, I think there are better establishments to dine at other than a seafood restaurant.
12. You did not have a reservation. You had a call ahead. There is a big difference.
13. If you walk in at 6 p.m. on a Saturday night wanting a table for more than 10, don't be mad when I smile, chuckle, and quote you with an hour wait time. And do not try to tell me that the person you talked to on the phone said we do not take reservations because I won't buy it for a second.
14. Complaining about your wait will get you nowhere...
15. Snapping your fingers at me or yelling across the restaurant to get my attention is not cute.
16. I am very happy that it is your birthday and that you have friends to do things with, but honestly, I am not thrilled about publicly embarrassing myself to sing to you, so if you would cooperate with the dancing portion, I would greatly appreciate it.
17. If you have 3/4 of your drink left, you do not need a refill yet.
18. Please let me greet you and say "hello" like a normal person before you immediately start rattling off what you want to consume for your entire duration in the restaurant.
19. Tipping more on holidays would be nice, because we too have families that we would rather be spending the day with, as opposed to pulling a double.
20. If you come on Kid's Night, please do not expect to sit outside of the "kid's zone," as we do not have one of those on this day. Those little guys are everywhere, sorry.
21. If you have a child with you that is under the age of two, or even 12 for that matter, please do not refer to your child as half a person. You do not have three and a half. You have four. Last time I checked, your child was a full person.
22. I will text you when your table is ready, not later tonight. You don't need to worry about me remembering your phone number because I can hardly hear you telling me what it is over the other obnoxious members of your party.
23. Campers, I would love to make some money tonight so if you could not take up my whole section the entire night, in turn, I will be a happy camper.
24. If you sit and talk for 20 minutes before touching your food and then complain about it being cold, no one is going to be happy with you, or me for that matter, as we now have to remake your meal.
25. I just burned my hands carrying your hot plate of food from the kitchen, if you could please at least make a pinch of room on the table and then not touch it when I tell you it is hot, that would be wonderful.
26. Party of one? Please enjoy our bar area! You won't like the dining room. Trust me.
27. All on one check makes us happy. Individual checks for each person after you have been moving around does not make us happy. 
28. Just know that when you complain nonstop and use "I'm never coming back here again" as a threat, we sincerely hope it is a promise and would like it signed and in writing.
29. Tipping. Just use your brain and be kind. This is how we make a living, just keep that in mind.
30. Please, don't be those people that come in five minutes before close and stay for another hour. Just don't do it.
To those of you that know how to behave in a restaurant:
You are saints and we wish we saw you more often! You are the reason we decide to keep our jobs at the end of the day!
Sincerely,
Restaurant Employees Everywhere
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