I wonder what it's like in heaven. I wonder what you do all day. Heaven gained you a year ago. All 365 days that I forget you're gone because I can still hear your smile and still feel your laugh shake a room. 365 times of what feels like losing you all over again when I remember I can't hear you out loud anymore. This has been one of the hardest years of my life. The one thing I can't fix is missing you. There are so many things that I want to tell you, that I want to hear your opinion on.

My heart hurts in one of the most empty ways when I remember we've lost you. When I remember my mother lost a best friend of 35 years, that Jack lost a role model and that I lost a confidant.

You taught me that I didn't have to be perfect to deserve love. That you can always restart. That you're going hurt a few people by accident, a few on purpose but in the end, it'll all be okay. And to always leave others better than how you found them. You taught me that life is to short not to be unapologetically yourself.

I think you knew your time with us was coming to an end last December. My mom said could sense it that you knew. I remember the day before you left. I picked my mom up from the train just like every other evening and we were two streets from our house. We were at a stop sign, I turned to her and said, "do you think he's gonna get better momma?" She looked at me, tears welled up, and in that moment was the most honest I think my mother has ever been with me. In that moment with her lips in a tight smile, she shrugged, shook her head and looked at me with so much love, she choked out, "honey, I don't think so." We both inhaled sharply, I missed my turn to go, but she didn't back street drive. I continued home. And we hugged in the snow for what felt like nothing but everything.

I know you laugh at all the times my mom is too nice to people who don't deserve it. I know you laugh at all things grandma and grandpa say when I bring them their morning coffees. I know you laugh at all the reactions Jack has to my wildcard ways.

I'm convinced you're my guardian angel. I'm also convinced that you create situations to laugh my expense (I know you tripped me face first on the streetcar track at Mardi Gras but it's okay, I guess I forgive you). I know you have put me in situations and have given me strength to overcome obstacles and people that kept me from being myself.

I think, in a way, your passing has made me more myself. I leaned on you for so much. I remember all of the times sitting on Kappa's porch calling you on Friday and Sunday mornings. I remember calling you in the middle of the night at camp. I remember you calling me on my birthdays. I remember all of the Christmas eve's I drove you home down Lakeshore Drive and we saw all the snow fall on the beach. I can still hear you, is that weird? I can still hear your laugh. I can still hear your rebuttals, I can still hear all your catch-phrases. I really hope I never lose them. I really hope that you're always in my heart Greg.

I know you wish you could fix all the times I've completely lost it. When I can't catch my breath and I can't stop crying because I can't see you anymore. I'm forgetting you. I'm remembering you, but I'm forgetting you and I'm scared.

However, I know you're going to be there for all the big moments. When I graduate, when I move to New Orleans and don't worry, when I get married I'm gonna save you a seat in the front row. Everyone will know it's yours. And I know that everyone I encounter for the rest of my days will long for the opportunity to have met you because God knows I am thankful every day for your friendship and guidance.

I know you're guiding me. I know you're never more than five steps behind me and I know you're bringing people in and out of my life for a reason. You still seem to find ways to pop up when I least expect it. I will shed happy tears every time you make your presence known because I know you timed it. I know that there will be many more times that I will feel your presence, that something will remind me of you, and that there will be something highly inappropriate that you said. I will always lose my breath recounting stories of you with our family.

Just know that I love you. That I miss you and that I carry your memory everywhere I go. I can't say it enough; everyone you encounter in your life is there for a reason. I couldn't even list all of the ways you made my life whole Greg. I love you forever. I love you for always. As long as I'm alive, my dear friend you'll be.