I've been asked before, time and time again, to swing from the chandelier. Well, I refuse. It won't be done. I'm sorry, Sia, but I can't do it. How can I possibly be expected to swing from the chandelier when today's song lyrics do nothing but confuse and pander to me? Believe me when I tell you that I want to swing; your lyrics are deep and beautiful: “I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier. I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist."

I get it. Choosing to swing from the chandelier means that you want to stay high and avoid the reality that awaits you when you come down. You choose to “fly like a bird through the night" because you are avoiding your deep sorrows and pain. This is a smart metaphor, which I applaud, but there are so many lyrics out there that litter the charts with useless or cliché phrases. Today, I'm going to look at some of the top charted songs of the past few months and see what trivial lyrics are hidden within them.

"Bad Blood" by Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar

Kendrick Lamar: “I can't take it back, look where I'm at." Listen, Lamar, I see what you're saying, but you can't end a sentence with a preposition—it's just poor grammar.

Kendrick Lamar: “We was on D like DOC, remember that?" DOC? Disciples of Christ? No. Department of Corrections? That can't be it either. Oh, it must be Dissolved Oxygen Content. Since they're on D, their love must be dissolving, got it.

Taylor Swift: “Band-Aids don't fix bullet holes." Yes Taylor, we're aware. For anyone who doesn't know, duct tape is the proper aid for bullet hole wounds.

"Earned It" by The Weeknd

I always get confused when a song contains copious amounts of pronouns. They're making me do too much guessing:

“Cause girl you're perfect. You're always worth it. And you deserve it. The way you work it. Cause girl you earned it. Girl you earned it."

What is she worth? What does she deserve? What did she work? What the hell did she earn? Don't you just hate it when artists are vague? In times like these, when an artist's pronoun usage is too strong, I like to play the pronoun game. It's very easy: all you have to do is replace a meaningless pronoun with a random word.

For example: “Cause girl you're perfect. You're always worth [bananas]. And you deserve [bananas]. The way you work [bananas]. Cause girl you earned [bananas]. Girl you earned [bananas]." See? Now the lyrics are more concise.

"Sugar" by Maroon 5

The sad part about this song is that Adam Levine isn't talking about a woman whom he's infatuated with; he's talking about drugs, sweet, sweet drugs. It's so clear when you really look at the lyrics:

“Your sugar

Yes, please. (He's always ready for some of that good stuff.)

Won't you come and put it down on me?

I'm right here,

'Cause I need (It's not just a want, but a need at this point; he's addicted truly addicted.)

Little love, a little sympathy

Yeah, you show me good loving

Make it alright (The drugs make the pain go away, like nothing was ever wrong. It must be tough being a rock star.)

Need a little sweetness in my life.

Don't let nobody touch it

Unless that somebody's me (He won't even share his drugs. Levine is like Golem at this point—selfish—and always wanting more.)

'Cause girl you're hotter than a Southern California day." (Honestly, California doesn't get that hot. It gets like 85 degrees Fahrenheit, tops. This just shows how delusional Adam Levine has become due to all the drugs.)

"Nasty Freestyle" by T-Wayne

“They said, 'when you blow up, don't forget me,' man

I been on fire ever since they made the lighter."

Fun fact: the first lighter was in invented in 1823 by a German chemist named Johann Wolfgang Döbereiner. T-Wayne is obviously well read in the field of chemistry and wanted to exemplify his knowledge through his song lyrics.

"Hey Mama" by David Guetta ft. Nicki Minaj & Afrojack

“Best believe that, when you need that

I'll provide that, you will always have it

I'll be on deck, keep it in check

When you need that, I'ma let you have it."

Now I'm not absolutely certain, but I think Ms. Minaj is talking about sex—I could be wrong though. Maybe she works part time in the Navy, seeing as how she'll “be on deck." Yes. That must be it. Nicki is very dutiful and wants the ship in tip top shape for its maiden voyage. She tells the captain, “When you need that, I'll provide that," which means that she's always ready to provide (non-sexual) services to the captain in order to make his job easier so that he can tend to the many tasks which must be completed before setting sail. This isn't too much of a stretch, is it?

In conclusion...

I've done some thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that I will swing from the chandelier. Sia, I know not all songs can reach your poetic brilliance, but I've learned to accept this. I was afraid before to let myself be free, to let myself swing from that bright, shinning chandelier because I feared that once I came down I would be disappointed by what other song lyrics had to offer. Now I see that there is something to appreciate in all music. So if you will excuse me, I'm off to go find a chandelier, and some bad blood, and maybe some sugar while I'm at it.