I don’t mind living in New Jersey. There’s not much to do, the winters are cold and the people who live here – well, you know. But I don’t mind it.

Let’s take a trip across the country. There’s plenty to see along the West Coast: Los Angeles, San Francisco, Sacramento – and that’s just California. Keep traveling north, and maybe we’ll hit up Women and Women First (er...maybe not) in Portland, Oregon. And then let's swing by Macklemore's place for brunch in Seattle. (Oh, man. Could you even imagine the possibilities here? "Where's the toast? I want some MackleMORE!" I am in stitches.) Awesome! While we’re up here, we might as well visit the Cascadia Subduction Zone, right?! Oh. Hold on, does that not sound familiar to you? Surprise! We’ve been traveling right on top of it since we crossed the border from California into Oregon!

And that should be scaring the living sh*t out of you.

"No, really. Say it again. I dare you."

Here's why:

The great expanse of our great country (and Canada and Mexico) rests on what is known as the North American Tectonic Plate. Everything in North America is connected miles below the surface of the Earth by this giant geological mass. Right. Now, there’s this pesky little guy known as the Juan de Fuca Plate who lives right off the West Coast, running north from the tip of California to British Columbia in Canada (just above Washington State). This plate is much smaller in size, barely larger than Oregon. But that doesn't mean it isn't causing a huge problem.

Couldn't have named it better myself.

Now bear with me for a second. The area in which two tectonic plates meet is known as a subduction zone, which, coincidentally, is just about the only thing I learned sitting in the back of Heroy for 11 weeks last semester (shout out to GEO 101). Generally speaking, subduction zones aren’t really that big of a deal; one plate slides gently under the other, and most of the time this movement is impossible to notice without any fancy equipment, i.e. no earthquakes. At the Cascadia Subduction Zone however (here comes the fun part), Juan de Fuca is doing everything in its power to make things absolutely undeniably horrible. Instead of sliding quietly along like a good little tectonic plate should, Juan is stuck. Straight up stuck. And guess what? So is the North American Plate. And no matter how hard Juan pushes, North America refuses to budge. Think of it this way: The North American Plate is like a spring that’s slowly been compressed for the past couple hundred of years. And as it’s been squeezed and compressed eastward, displaced land on top of the North American Plate has bulged ever so slightly.

"WE SQUISH. NOT GOOD." Thanks, Shia.
He gets really worked up over this kind of thing.

So now what? Now we wait. We wait for the ticking time bomb that is the North American Plate to suddenly and without warning whip back into place like an angry spring right back on top of Juan de Fuca. And when that happens, all the land that’s been pushed eastward and upward over the past couple hundred of years will return to its original position in a matter of minutes. We’re talking a six-foot drop in elevation and a movement of land predicted to be anywhere between 30 and 100 feet back toward the west -- in a matter of minutes!

Puppies make everything better, right? Right?

If that doesn’t scare you (it should), then buckle your seatbelt for "Part Two: The Pacific’s Revenge." With all that movement of land comes an incredible amount of displacement of water in the Pacific Ocean. After being pushed out to sea, the water will come crashing back with a vengeance in a giant wall (read: tsunami), consuming everything in its path. If any buildings remain standing in the inundation zone after the initial earthquake, the tsunami following approximately 15 minutes later will fix that.

Yikes.

After some incredible scientific sleuthing in the '80s, scientists discovered that 41 of these mind-bogglingly terrifying events have happened over the past 10,000 years. If you do the math, then that makes the average time between each “Big One” 243 years. With the last Cascadia Earthquake happening in 1700, we’ve spent 316 years without one.

Recap: Average time between each Big One - 243 years.
Time since the last Big One - 316 years.

Now if you happen to be in the Pacific Northwest, then this doesn't necessarily mean you should panic. But you definitely should be prepared. Preparedness will be the most important factor in saving thousands of lives (especially yours) during the next Cascadia Earthquake. Stock up on food, water and supplies. Have a family emergency plan. Make friends with your neighbors. (Yes, even creepy Dennis. You never know what he might be useful for during a disaster.) Plan an evacuation route, and keep in mind that roads might become impassable after the initial quake. Most importantly, be ready.

That being said, I really don’t mind living in New Jersey.