Something that is far too common for students, namely college women, is the experience of being subject to objectification, sexual misconduct, sexual harassment, and sexual assault. Unfortunately, for something that is so normalized on a college campus, there isn't enough SPECIFIC information about what to do when you're in pain, distressed, or a frustrating situation. As someone who has had TWO SUCCESSFUL Title IX (gender based crime) investigations -- at both a large Division 1 west coast private school, and a small local liberal arts school -- I am fortunate enough to have insight into how to find success out of the dark, anxious and traumatic situation of sexual misconduct.

Often times emotions dictate decision-making in these situations; this list will help you identify different routes you can take. You are not stuck, and you are not alone. If you are unsure about whether your situation qualifies as something to investigate, this is the definition of consent (under VI) and anything outside of it qualifies as eligible to report.* This video is also helpful for simply explaining what is and isn't okay... or legal. Made by British policemen. Below are simple resources to ease the process of seeking personal and universal justice.

1. Take a Deep Breath, and Figure Out What You Need Right This Moment.

Are you thirsty? Have you eaten yet today? Have you showered or taken care of yourself? If not this is a good way to start. It sets a positive tone for the process if you commit to taking care of your needs. It's also important to stay present and check in with your personal compass to see how you're feeling at any given moment. There can be a lot of confusion between logic, emotion, and intuition as you start making decisions about how to move forward, so staying present and taking your temperature is the best way to make rational decisions at your own pace.

2. Do Some Research, Starting With Your Safest Options

If you haven't approached your family members about the situation, that can be the most daunting step. It's actually normal to have shame and self-blame feelings for how the situation occurred, so reeling over exactly how to approach family about it can be a large source of anxiety. Especially if there is distance in between, it's hard to work up the courage to talk about the situation or incident because you may be anticipating doubt on their end. A really hard thing to maintain through the process is the motivation to open up and seek assistance from friends or family, because of the risk that they may doubt you.

Instead of worrying what your friends and family will think of you, or even a significant other, give yourself a break and start making a list of who feels the most safe for you right now. This could also be a mentor, an old friend from childhood, an aunt, or a sibling you haven't called in awhile.

Also, research the college counseling services, Dean of Student Affairs, advocates, Title IX investigator (every college should have an equivalent), and crisis hotlines and create a contact list in your phone or written somewhere for when you are ready to start reaching out. College Counselors/Psychologists are primarily confidential sources that will not report the incident to the school without your consent.

IMPORTANT: College counselors are there not only for 'therapy' but also as allies for navigating challenging situations and helping you find the best solution for healing, relief, safety, and justice.

3. Reaching Out For The First Time

Try not to second guess how those people will respond to the news and instead focus on exactly what you'll NEED from them: housing for a few days, safety, a witness, a confidant, laundry, groceries, etc. You don't actually need to explain in great detail what occurred: details can be foggy until you reach the next step. You can just let them know that you've been part of a challenging situation that you will tell them about when you're ready, and that you need to take a break and figure out your next steps with them. If there are physical repercussions from the situation, it can be hard to approach loved ones, friends, and significant others with obvious physical signs of abuse, assault, or long term chronic affliction. You shouldn't feel like you have to hide these, and instead can access compassionate advocates, counselors, and even Assault (rape) Treatment Centers with complimentary services for these afflictions.

Even if you are unclear of where the incident falls by definition, the safest option for any physical situation is to call the school counselor or heath center, request a secure location for aid, treatment and testing, and have the counselors and nurses at the center help you identify what kind of situation occurred.

IMPORTANT: If you approach a faculty member, most college Code of Conduct policies enforce the professor to report the incident to the school. If you are not ready for this step quite yet, there is more information listed in later steps below about how to approach this. Again, this process should be taken at your personal pace, so while the professors have your best interest at heart, you may want to review other steps before reporting it to the school. But reporting is always encouraged for maximum relief and conclusive results for students.

4. Building Evidence

Unfortunately one of the most important steps, and the most time sensitive, is building evidence. If you are foggy on the details of the event and haven't yet addressed how you feel about the situation, this is the step that will bring up a lot of emotions.

IMPORTANT: This is the best step to include your support system, allies, and people you trust!!

Okay, you're gonna need to go into Olivia Pope Mode, and if this isn't your strongest skill, recruit someone from your 'team' or support system to help. Warn them that both of you may experience strong emotions when building evidence. A good idea would be to write down a list of all the things you think would be helpful to include. Here's a good list:

Harassment and Discrimination
Log of calls (phone companies can often recover deleted voicemails)

Voicemails (phone companies can often recover deleted voicemails)

Texts (If you state you are investigating a situation, you should be able to recover deleted texts as well)

Timeline of interactions, events, and locations

Witnesses

Misconduct, Assault, and Forced Sexual Situations

DNA evidence (appears on clothing from the incident, condoms, face wipes, cheek swabs)

Report of visiting hospital or treatment center shortly after

Psychological report of your behavior in response to the incident

Testimonies from witnesses, before during and after incident of your behavior

Video surveillance from any location from the incident

Criminal history or testimony from other potential victims

Admission over text, voicemail, or recorded in person of misconduct: of intent to coerce, manipulate, harm, punish, "get back at", guilt, or lying to partake in sexual activity

(This is challenging to achieve, and best to achieve before ceasing communication in Step 6 below.)

Important: The more information you can gather the better, you can decide by situation what evidence you want to submit. The various advocates, counselors, and dean's should be able to help guide you with what kind of things they would be looking for, since it often involves very personal and explicit content.

5. Courses of Action

Once you have completed the steps above-- and as you can tell, there are an awful amount of steps for these situations-- you can now more comfortably decide on what course of action to take.

Reporting:

As a college student, you can report to a number of places, with a variety of both challenges and benefits.

1. Certified Counselor at the Health Center: This is the best person to go to if you still have questions on what to expect and how to navigate reporting through the school, Orders of Protections and Restraining Orders, criminal investigations, and seeking help for any subsequent injuries, physical therapy, short term medication, support groups, and other resources.

2. Dean of Student Affairs, College, or Degree. By reporting to this person you will have the school investigate the school's Code of Conduct if the opposite party attends the college or university. They will take your statement and evidence, as well as conduct as many meetings as you are comfortable with to evaluate the situation and issue sanctions.

2a: Title IX Coordinator: This can sometimes be a shared position, but can be searched through a university website.

Sanctions for the opposite party can include:

Suspension

Academic Probation

Priority Registration

No Contact Policy (student can not contact you, digitally or through friends)

3. Local Police: This will start a criminal investigation, but you can elect to take yourself out of the investigation and let the police investigate on their own, and instead apply for an Order of Protection/ Restraining Order to ensure your protection during their investigation.

Order of Protection and Restraining Orders:

This is actually an achievable step, while time consuming, for ensuring safety on AND OFF campus.

1. Go to the City or County Court and ask the information desk where you can file a restraining order and where you can contact a "court advocate" to help you fill out the paperwork and use proper terminology for your situation.

2. You can also bring any campus advocate and specifically credited counselors, so call the health center in advance and see if they have a person who can accompany you to the courts to help you use the right wording. Having a backup support system is best for when you need help recalling important information and remaining objective!

IMPORTANT: The objective for this course of action is to REMAIN OBJECTIVE which is why having a professional, advocate, friend or family member help you describe the situation in a concise way.

Using terms like:
"Significant psychological distress"

"Persistent interruption of daily life"

"Inflicting emotional and psychological harm"

"Interrupting pursuit of education"

"Escalating in frequency"

Instead of: "makes me scared," "ruined my life," and "won't stop"

3. Request an Ex Parte (2 week restraining order) to protect you for the two weeks before the court date.

4. Hire an attorney to help negotiate consent for at least 50ft, or whatever range will protect you the best.

5. Prepare OBJECTIVE evidence.

6. Discuss goals for protection with attorney, counselor, and others involved.

7. Plan conservative but college appropriate attire, and set up support systems and tools for the court date to alleviate stress.

IMPORTANT: You will likely have to be present with the opposite party at the court, but will not have to interact with them if they agree to the conditions of the Order of Protection.

BENEFIT: You do not have to undergo a long criminal trial with a jury, which are often hard to construct with evidence and finances. AND you will be protected on campus with the sanctions agreed upon so that if you are in the same building, cafeteria, library, etc that person will be LEGALLY OBLIGATED TO LEAVE . If they violate this you are encouraged to CALL 911, and after several breaches it is a FELONY offense.

Criminal Investigation

While this one is the most represented option in media and exposure, it is also the most time consuming. A trial can take 18 months. For sexual offenses you have several years to report a crime, so that is why it is helpful to have all of these other options listed. If you decide to go to criminal court to charge the crimes, you will have already taken steps for yourself to protect your safety and well being.

6. Responses From Others

If you receive any form of communication from your assailant, harasser, or abuser: immediately cease communication. When you have decided on your course of action and started the process, it is wisest legally to state something along the lines of "I am not comfortable speaking to you in the near future, please stop communicating with me." That way if you take one of the legal routes listed above, you have stated clearly your intent and further communication is basis for harassment. This will often prompt negotiations from the opposite party, but also counts against that party and can be used as evidence.

7. Healing

This step is the most subjective because everyone has a different way of processing these events. Recovery can take several years, but can also make you a stronger and more sustainable person. And since the goal is to come out on the other side of this long process with a success, the best way to achieve it is practicing self-care. Here is a list of tools for recovery:

Physical Therapy:

Many times subjects may experience long term or delayed physical symptoms, like pelvic floor damage, sprains, whiplash, or concussions. These may not occur right away so give yourself about 6 months - 2 years of monitoring yourself for new physical symptoms.

Also allow for frequent exercise within this time frame, to keep a traumatized body moving with endorphins, which will also alleviate chances and severity of mental illness.

Mental Health:

The same thing applies to mental health. You may be in shock, fight or flight, or 'crisis mode' for a sustained amount of time after an incident. Therefore, you may not develop psychological symptoms--parasympathetic, referred pain, psychosomatic, and other psychological complexes-- until much later. 6 months - 2 years is a good time frame to monitor these reactions, but at any given point in your life time you could experience psychological responses to trauma. Luckily, trauma related symptoms are treatable, and can have a much quicker relief rate than more chronic mental health conditions. You would be safest to get a psychological evaluation within a month of a traumatic situation in order to ensure quick recovery and relief of onset or benign symptoms.

Some symptoms to look out for:

Declining self worth and self image

New harmful habits, frequent substance use, self- sabotage

Experiencing emotions from the event as if they are happening currently

Irregular and frequent mood swings

Spacial, temporal (time), or reality confusion

Lack of interest in previously enjoyed activities, relationships, life goals

Fear of large amounts of people OR fear of being alone

Lonely among people

IMPORTANT:

The stigma of mental health is quickly evaporating in today's climate, and it is becoming more important to treat yourself well after any kind of traumatic experience, instead of "tough it out and hope it gets better." It is normal to feel like you are overreacting to the situation at hand, but from a logical perspective it is better to ensure health now, then to push it off and develop damage later.

Treat Yo Self:

Healing can come from many sources and reading through this article alone deserves giving yourself a taco. Eat well, exercise and --especially during this entire process-- continually give yourself a break. You have already been challenged, and if you're reading this somehow you survived, so take breaks. If that means taking time off school, finding a different academic or career path, cutting out some friends that make you feel worse about the situation, do it. These things take time, and it takes awhile to put together an investigation and recovery plan.

Here are some recommendations:

New forms of exercise

Travel

Change living space

Support groups

Meet new people

Yoga

Music

Coloring

Learning to cook

Research schools, countries, travel programs, training

The best way to recover is to keep moving forward.

Take breaks when you need them.

And stay present.

*Webster Definition of Consent*
Sexual Consent
Sexual activity requires consent, which is defined as positive, unambiguous, and voluntary agreement to engage in specific sexual activity throughout a sexual encounter. Consent cannot be inferred from the absence of a "no,"; clear "yes," verbal or otherwise, is necessary. Consent to some sexual acts does not constitute consent to others, nor does past consent to a given act constitute present or future consent. Consent must be ongoing throughout a sexual encounter and can be revoked at any time.
Consent cannot be obtained by threat, coercion, or force. Agreement under such circumstances does not constitute consent.
Consent cannot be obtained from someone who is asleep or otherwise mentally or physically incapacitated, whether due to alcohol, drugs, or some other condition. A person is mentally or physically incapacitated when that person lacks the ability to make or act on considered decisions to engage in sexual activity. Engaging in sexual activity with a person whom you know—or reasonably should know—to be incapacitated constitutes sexual misconduct and is a violation of this policy.

Guidance Regarding Sexual Consent
Consent can only be accurately gauged through direct communication about the decision to engage in sexual activity. Presumptions based upon contextual factors (such as clothing, alcohol consumption, or dancing) are unwarranted, and should not be considered as evidence for consent.

Although consent does not need to be verbal, verbal communication is the most reliable form of asking for and gauging consent. Talking with sexual partners about desires and limits may seem awkward, but serves as the basis for positive sexual experiences shaped by mutual willingness and respect.

Incapacitation
Incapacitation is defined as the physical and/or mental inability to make informed, rational judgments that voids an individual's ability to give consent. Incapacitation may be caused by a permanent or temporary physical or mental impairment. Incapacitation may also result from the consumption of alcohol or the use of drugs.
The use of alcohol or drugs may, but does not automatically affect a person's ability to consent to sexual contact. The consumption of alcohol or drugs may create a mental incapacity if the nature and degree of the intoxication go beyond the stage of merely reduced inhibition and reach a point in which the victim does not understand the nature and consequences of the sexual act. In such case, the person cannot consent.
A person violates this policy if he or she has sexual contact with someone he or she knows or should know is mentally incapacitated or has reached the degree of intoxication that results in incapacitation. The test of whether an individual should know about another's incapacitation is whether a reasonable, sober person would know about the incapacitation.
A responding party student or employee cannot rebut a sexual misconduct charge merely by arguing that he or she was drunk or otherwise impaired and, as a result did not know that the other person was incapacitated.
A person who is asleep or who is passed out or unconscious as a result of the consumption of alcohol or drugs is physically helpless and is not able to consent.