Since lying is prohibited at UVA, and isn't a good life decision in general, we'll refer to these phony stories and statements as “excuses.” Although I don't encourage this type of behavior (sorry, TJ), sometimes it is necessary to wiggle your way out of situations and “commitments.”

There are a few stages that will guide you to creating a flawless excuse.

Establish the basics. Where do you not want to go? Who and what are you trying to avoid? How can you, legitimately, convince the opposing party that you can't attend without causing serious psychological damage to them or eternally destroying a friendship? The tricky part is ensuring that there is no room for, “maybe you can come late, leave early, Skype with us, follow our event's live tweets." An excuse that eliminates all replacements and alternatives is the goal.

Form the story. You've got to get this story down to every last detail. Know 
what you were wearing, how many times you reapplied your chap stick, if you flipped your hair to the right, left, or all around like Willow Smith. It all must be predetermined so you can respond to all inquiry with confident and respectfully speedy answers, without being too eager. Beware of contradictions. Even the smallest slip up will blow your cover and send the entire excuse spiraling down into a black hole of lies and dishonor. 

Consider body language. For lack of a better term, study yourself. Do you fidget, pace, or twerk naturally when you speak? Other people will subconsciously notice if you're acting abnormal or out of character before you can realize the minor details of your action. The real key is to make eye contact so strong and direct that the person feels like you are staring deeply into their soul, making them feel wildly uncomfortable. They will, then, buy your lie and accept it in order to get you to stop speaking and staring at them, and remove themselves from close proximity to you. #winning. 

Check for loopholes. Before the telling of the excuse, you must secure all loopholes. If you're involving a third unrelated party, be sure to inform them of their role in the alternative plan in extreme detail, to prepare for the highly unlikely questioning interrogation coming their way. One small slip up, and the entire facade is shattered; and the recipient of the excuse will forever see the excuser as an impostor and question their values. Well, that escalated quickly.

Social media re-enforcement. Be aware of your own activity on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Myspace, Club Penguin, etc. Don't invite other Penguins to your igloo when you told Sarah you are "playing Bingo with your Great Aunt Debbie this afternoon." That will swiftly make you look suspicious if you are online during the allotted time of said commitment you are wiggling your way out of. Be sure to make Snapchat stories of just your face and obscure things that show details of your whereabouts or activity. This is starting to sound a bit like FBI-related interrogation. Oops. 

The follow-up. The follow-up comes in many forms and functions. Social media can be an outlet on how you, "had so much fun today #bingo #oldpeople #familyfun." The more specific, the more believable. Other followers will find you to be strange, but the lie will strengthen significantly. Other than social media, one can text the person they ditched and ask how their day was, as you brag about your fabulous day, but also how terribly sad you were to not have carried through with the previous commitment. 

After these steps, all I have to say is may your story be believable, may the recipients be gullible, and may the odds be ever in your favor.