Last week, ΣTΔ quarterback Todd McDavid sported a wide smile as his 7-on-7 intramural flag football team capped their undefeated season with a 43-24 drubbing of their rival fraternity, ΘΚ. McDavid, a former five-star high school football recruit, led the way for Sigma Tau with 6 touchdown passes, 4 of which went to stalwart receiver Trey “Kegatron” Johnson.

McDavid, however, was not satisfied with the result of his season. “Bro, at the end of the day, SigTau wants to be known as the best football team in the world. People are hyping this Super Bowl up way too much. We’re undefeated, dude. We belong in the conversation with the Broncos and Panthers—honestly, we’re better than both of them.”

The Denver Broncos play the Carolina Panthers on February 7th in the 50th edition of the Super Bowl. Football fans eagerly await the yearly contest, as the two best teams in the NFL square off for the Vince Lombardi Trophy. Because they refuse to watch another team be declared World Champions, the brothers of Sigma Tau Delta have decided to protest this year’s Super Bowl altogether.

“Bro, like I don’t think you understand, we actually don’t lose, bro.” lamented Kegatron. The 6’3 former UF wide receiver was cut from the team after several failed drug tests and multiple missed morning practices after late nights of partying. Immediately after, Johnson was given a bid to STD, and he has lit up the fraternity football leagues ever since.

Sigma Tau’s unique playbook turned many heads during their dominant season. On offense, the team runs every play from the Shotgun formation. When a player heads to the water cooler to hydrate, he drinks from a massive container of ice-cold hunch punch. The defense is rock-solid, headlined by SigTau’s infamous “Goal Line Keg Stand.” During this play, star linebacker Zak Rogers does a keg stand on the field, in an effort to rally the crowd and intimidate the quarterback. No opponent completed a pass against the formation during the entire season.

Sigma Tau even has its own cheerleaders, as pledges are required to dress up in tight skirts and perform choreographed routines over the course of the game. One pledge, whose fraternity nickname is far too vulgar to print, spoke highly of the experience. “I really feel like one of the brothers when I wear this skirt. Did you know that 78 generations of brothers have worn this exact same skirt before me? That’s brotherhood. ΣTΔ FOR LIFE!”

Sigma Tau Delta’s national branch released an official statement last week, declaring the Super Bowl “a bottom-tier sporting event.” Both Broncos and Panthers officials declined to comment on Sigma Tau’s press release.