I'm an ICU nurse. It wasn't planned, and it wasn't expected, but it's where I am, and it's where I've realized I belong. It's funny how you can say that you will never do something, but God has different plans. I told myself after working for Duke the summer after my junior year that I never wanted to work in an ICU. The few times I had to go over to the ICU at Duke I thought it wasn't for me. I don't like watching people crash day after day. Watching people die is painful. But that's kind of the reality of nursing. It's sad, and it's hard, but if it was easy, it would be worrisome.

I guess you could say I'm still a baby nurse because I graduated in May and started this job in the middle of October. So I'm still on orientation, and I'm still learning, but I'm far enough into it now to realize I was so stupid for ever thinking I could belong anywhere else. I love my open heart patients. I hate watching them fail to thrive after surgery, and I hate watching people slowly slip away from life, but critical care is my passion. The CTICU is a beautiful place to work, but it's also hard. You see life begin anew, and sometimes you see it end. But that's the beauty of it, because you have been given the privilege of walking with your patients and their families through life and death.

I won't lie to you, though. Being a registered nurse, especially an ICU nurse...it's hard and it's challenging. I've already cried in the med room once and I'll probably do it again. I'm working night shift right now, and that will probably be my reality for a while. My mom's biggest concern was that I wouldn't be able to sleep during the day. But the thing is, I learned working night shifts at Duke that it's not hard for me to sleep during the day. When I get home, around 8 am, I am physically, and sometimes emotionally, drained. If my alarm didn't wake me up, I would sleep straight through til the next day. Somehow, miraculously, I've learned how to make it through a shift without coffee. My first two shifts on night shift I bounced back to coffee after not drinking it since August. It helped, until that 4 am crash hit. It hit hard, and it was painful to stay awake, so I decided I needed to figure out something else. Let me tell you, having lots of food is key. Chocolate is a gift..especially dark chocolate. My weirdest 2 am snack was a cup of plain chicken broth. Fair warning, beef broth doesn't taste as good plain as chicken broth does. There's just something comforting about chicken broth that makes me remember that I CAN do this. I CAN make it through this shift, and I CAN and WILL make it through the next one.

Because what they don't tell you when you start working in an ICU is that sometimes you get flipped off and flashed at 430 AM when you tell your patient for the tenth time that he can't pull out his Endotracheal tube because the ventilator is helping him breathe. It happens. Sometimes your patients don't want to keep their clothes on, and you walk into their room and they are stark naked..even though they were fully clothed five minutes ago. It happens. Sometimes you end up sobbing in the med room for a minute because all you need is a break and a hug, and you won't be getting either for a while. It happens. Welcome to the ICU.

They also don't tell you is that you'll fall in love with managing multiple drips, a ventilator, and multiple drains. It happens, that's why people work there for 30+ years. They don't tell you that you're going to fall in love with the autonomy you get on night shift. It happens, that's why people actually want to stay on night shift. They don't tell you that you're going to really enjoy being challenged, because even though it may suck in the moment, you're going to end up a stronger person and a better nurse because of it. It happens, and you're definitely not the first one to ever feel overwhelmed. They don't tell you that it's okay that you don't know absolutely everything...okay actually they do, because as a Type A perfectionist, I had to learn that real fast. Welcome to the ICU.

The thing is, being a new nurse is terrifying. And what they don't tell you is that you ARE going to make mistakes and you ARE going to have bad shifts, and you ARE going to feel overwhelmed at times. But when that does happen, they tell you that you aren't alone, because they've all been there too. They understand. There isn't a single nurse that has never made a mistake in their career. We're all human, and seeking perfection is a worthless pursuit because it's not attainable. Does that stop us from trying? Absolutely not. The truth is, nurses make mistakes. Doctors make mistakes too. It's going to happen, and and when it does, you move on from it, learn from it, and make a note of what not to do next time. You're the most vulnerable to making mistakes when you think you're invincible. Mistakes are going to happen, unfortunately. As much as people in the medical field strive for perfection, mistakes still happen. Once you get to the point that you no longer that you feel bad about making mistakes, that's when you have a problem.

So, pray for your nurses. Pray for your friends that are nurses. Pray for your friends that want to be nurses. Because we're not perfect, and we need all the encouragement and support we can get.