Ned Stark had it all wrong; we should have been worried about fall coming. 

Barr your windows and lock your doors, because the season of crunching leaves is now (unofficially) sponsored by Starbucks and that pint of adulterated coffee we like to call the Pumpkin Spice Latte. Lines for it will seep into your neighborhoods and weave through your streets because it is absolutely imperative that we put at least one photo of this latte on Instagram while wearing an open-stitch infinity scarf and leggings.

How can it be that only 11 years have passed since this paragon of culinary achievement was created? Never mind that this drink contains literally 0% real pumpkin and is laced with rumored cancer-inducing caramel coloring. You’re in heaven! Act like it. 

Rex Huppke of the Chicago Tribune portrayed it best in an article that ran last month and included this fictional barista-customer dialogue:  

Barista: Welcome to Starbucks, what size pumpkin spice latte can I get you? 

Customer: Just a tall coffee, please.  

Barista: Would you like a shot of pumpkin flavoring in that? 

Customer: Nope. Just coffee. 

Barista: How about a pumpkin scone or a pumpkin doughnut with pumpkin glaze served on a bed of freshly raked leaves? 

Customer: What? No. 

Barista: OK, here's your pumpkin spice latte, enjoy! 

Customer: AUGGGHHHH!!! 

Oh Starbucks, you endearing corporate monster. Tell me more about the Monsanto cows you use to provide the steamed milk that will mix perfectly with the 50 grams of processed sugar in my Grande #PSL!!! But write it out in chalkboard marker. Yeah, that’ll look artisan and cute.

Not a hot drink enthusiast? What? Why? Never mind. Starbucks has conveniently provided you with the option to drink your liquid vegetable in both iced and Frappucino™ form - ideal for that one time you remember you live in Texas and fall still means 90+ degree heat waves.  Amid sips of that Yankee-candle coffee, ponder why the U.S. government hasn’t aligned the first day of fall with the release of the PSL, or how you’ve just contributed to the $800 million seasonal spike in Starbucks profits since the drink debuted in 2003, according to Forbes Magazine. 

So toss aside your worries, gals, and reward yourself for the 30 minutes of cardio you got speedwalking through the mall last Saturday with a Venti #PSL. You can even skip your usual “skinny” version, because that four-inch layer of whipped cream and pumpkin spice dust actually does taste as good as skinny feels. 

Cheers to sugar, spice and high fructose corn syrup!