College is a difficult thing for me, but I guess that all starts with the way college started. Like many seniors in high school, I decided the next best thing for me and my education was going to college. However, I had hardly made it to my senior year, flunking both my sophomore year and the last half of my freshman year. I had to do a lot of work to be able to graduate on time, summer classes, extra classes, etc. Even though I managed to pull it through with the grace of god, the blind eye of educators, and some perfect timing, I felt I was not enough. I felt that even though I had done it and graduated high school that I was not smart enough for college.

I didn’t want to disappoint my mother, however, so I applied, and I did everything I needed to that summer. The week school started, I went and I sat in classes. I admit, I got scared and I ran away; I could not shake the fear of failure. I guess my motion at the time was, well if I don’t play, I can’t lose. Looking back on that, it was by far the dumbest thing I could have done at the time. I dropped out, for the first time, spending those months I should have been with my best friend doing our freshman year of college together, wasting my life away.

Those months were more or less some of the hardest months in my mind, having to constantly regret my choices and not feeling fulfilled in what I was doing with myself. Regardless, I went back. I stayed longer that time, but I let something else entirely stand in my way that time. But the reality is, it was always me, standing in my own way and slowing down the progression of my own future. It was two years I would never get back, but in a weird way, two years that shaped me into the person I am today, and two years that gave me insight to the type of man I want to be in life.

Now I am going back. Another chance, a new university, a new major, and a new mindset. I am confident in the idea that I can succeed and do much better than I have ever done. Yet, a weird fear still looms over me about whether or not something else will manage to manifest and change things. What if some traumatic event happens? I’m forced to leave. What if something happens with money? And I don’t have a choice but to leave. I know they all might seem like ridiculous reasons, but it is a fear I just can not seem to shake. Regardless, I know my story will not end like the others before. I’m terrified but excited all at the same time to go back to college. Wish me luck everyone.