September is National Suicide Prevention Month. So, if you know me well, I think it is only appropriate to slap you with a subject that not only I struggle with, but know way more people than I want to believe do too, after reading the statistics that are going to be shared. Here's to those of you who have fought, are in the midst of fighting, and just simply don't think this is ever going to go away. You are so not alone.

Let me tell you about my most recent day of brokenness and depression. It was a Sunday afternoon after what seemed like a 10-year-long fight but what really just like a week or two long fight of depression and anxiety. The whole weekend I was not only physically stuck in bed, but also mentally stuck in what felt like a dead mind. I slept in Sunday morning, didn't go to church, and felt guilty afterwards, because I was truly just drained. I was cleaning my room, preparing for the storm that was about to hit because, weirdly enough, cleaning calms me down and brings me peace. My best friend had just been featured in a church-wide missions magazine, and I had just found one of my crowns from being Division Winner in a pageant my sophomore year completely broken and shattered in a box. I should have been proud of my best friend and not taken my "broken crown" so literally. I was seriously thinking the devil was telling me, "This is it. You're not doing enough. You're unworthy, you don't deserve an incredible best friend like Blake, or parents who listen to you cry your eyes out on a daily basis. You might as well just end your life right now because you have nothing going for you or anything else to give".

Two years down the road, three different medications, two counselors, and a ton of tears and long nights later, I am just now finding my self-worth, balance, and rest after ending a relationship with someone who gave me a huge amount of love and quitting my job. If you don't think your struggles are valid and you are completely alone in all of this, you are so wrong. Depression, anxiety, and suicide is real. So real that it is one of the leading causes of death in the United States, it has increased from 10.5% to 20% over the past 15 years, and in 2015 there were twice as many suicides than there were homicides (NIMH statistics). Guys, you are not alone.

Hear me out when I say this, because it is complete vulnerability coming from somebody who has considered it more times than I can remember:

I am screaming out to the world that I just want a card from Walmart that says "I know you are stressed, and I'm here for you and thinking about you", even if you don't understand. I just want someone that will hold me and listen to me cry. I wish everybody could just step into my brain, feel what I feel, and just dadgum get it. I know it is hard to understand my brain, because I don't even understand it myself. But please do not make me feel bad because I am not at school for taking a "mental health day" because I am stressed and you can handle more than I can. I already feel guilty enough and don't need somebody who doesn't even ask if I am okay to make me feel any more guilty. Please do not yell at me when you don't understand. That just makes it worse and harder for me to explain.

Yes, Jesus says, "Walk by faith, not by sight", but that is so much easier said than done, when I say "I am going to kill myself if this is not over in a week". Somehow, though, God is always higher than those emotions and continues to remind me that I may be feeling this way now, but He has given me the strength to overcome it. Romans 8:18 is a constant reminder and promise to stay around, "The pain you have been feeling is nothing compared to the joy that is coming".

Think about your mom and dad, and other family members who care so much about you that are going to want nothing else in life than to have you back. They will be the ones who feel like they have nothing else to live for. Do you want the ones who raised you with so much sacrifice to feel like that? Think about your best friend who did everything with you. They are not gonna have that same belly laugh and all that time invested in someone they can't replace. Don't you love them too much to make them go through that? Think about the future that you have. The person God has planned for you to spend your life with, and the career you have been working so hard for. Do you really want to give up your life for the feelings that I promise you are only temporary?

Your body, your emotions, and the little devilish voices inside of your head are going to be fighting against you. You are going to want to blame yourself for being uncontrollably sad, then feel guilty afterwards for handling it that way. "The death row of depression" is what I like to call these feelings, because they make me dread what is to come, and feel like there is no way out other than death.

However, "you have been assigned this mountain to prove that it can be moved", and Revelations 21:4 says "God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, nor sorrow nor crying, or any more pain. The former things have passed away". Stay strong. Keep going. Show the world that no matter how strong the pain is, your God is stronger. He has a purpose that He promises to fulfill, and I know that promise is not ending your own life. Fight for yourself and fight for those who feel like they can't fight anymore.

You are worthy, you are strong, you are valuable, and you have the power to stay alive.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

National Hopeline: 1-800-784-2433

Crisis Text Line: text TALK to 741741

To those who know someone in the midst of a crisis: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention.htm

"The Light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it."

- John 1:5