If you're reading this, you're probably getting a little chilly from the barrel of the gun against your back. You probably also know at least one person named Jon. In this age of constant social media engagement and neck pain it's becoming more common to know more than one friend with the same name as another "friend." I know a few Jons. Some of them are solid Jons. One of them I would consider to be a very good Jon, perhaps the best model currently available in the Jon market. But let's not make this a competition, or about my successes in Jon-hunting. This is about Jon. No, not that Jon. I'm talking about the elephant in the room: Jon. Although there are many fantastic Jons out there, we're bound to encounter some Jons that just aren't worth it or downright unpleasant. I'm proposing that we, as a society with a surplus of Jons, find a few nice Jons and then limit our interaction with Jons to only those worthy Jons. You look confused, so I'm guessing you are not as adept or lucky in finding Jons as I am. Allow me to give you some pointers.

We should limit ourselves to only as many Jons as we need. I'm talking two, maybe three, but no more than four Jons in our social circles. I'm sorry if my Jon-rationing frightens or displeases you, but trust me, it's for our own good, Jon. If you don't know any Jons, I'm envious of you! You have a clean slate to work with and an exciting life ahead of you. How do you know if a Jon is a good Jon? Um, I think you'll know, but the best answer I can give is to let the Jon speak for itself. Does the Jon supply unprovoked or nasty comments about you or others? What are Jon's hobbies? Is Jon high-maintenance? Do you enjoy the times when you're near Jon? Does Jon mind when you do this? Again, I'm confident you'll know when you've found a Jon worth keeping. For those of us who already know more than three or four Jons, I'm sorry to say it, but we have some painful cleaning to do.

To members of the Jon Plus 4 Club, be very very critical in your decision of which Jon(s) to expel from your life. This is not the time for mistakes in judgement. Some Jons will be easy to remove, as they are clearly poorly made Jons. If you don't interact with a Jon very much, it is okay to simply unfriend or unfollow the Jon on social media. If the Jon notices this and protests, send the Jon a message such as below:

"Dear Valued Jon,

I regret to inform you that due to my current roster of [x] Jons, I have exceeded the legal limit and have made the decision to remove you. It is nothing personal, it is just my civic duty. I am certain you will find someone who respects your traits and who shares your values. Happy trails.

Best, [Your name]"

However, the expulsion process might be hard for those of you who know at least five to 14 really genuinely wonderful Jons. Don't try to take the easy way out. A John is still a Jon, no matter where the "h" is, and harboring Jons has been a federal crime since yesterday. I have some tips on how to best disconnect from a Jon. Go to a populated location like a fountain or a high-traffic intersection inside a mall with Jon. When you arrive, make sure there are onlookers or enough people to generate a scene. Face your Jon, take a few steps back while slowly raising both of your arms above your head. In an audible voice, say "After careful consideration, I, [your name], have made the decision to expel this Jon." Drop to your knees, bow your head to the floor and say "Goodbye Jon. May you find peace in all your ventures." Jon will understand, but this will be hard for the both of you, so give Jon some time to grieve. If Jon tries to negotiate, do not hesitate to ask for assistance, that is why you are in the mall. Segway guards are surprisingly fast and can escort Jon safely from the premises.

This is a heartbreaking process, but my hands are tied. This is how it must be. However, I have found a loophole in the system to preserve strong friendships we have made with our Jons: If the Jon is willing to take a nickname, the Jon can remain in a social circle. The nickname can be of Jon's choosing. This is wonderful news for people like me who know 37 Jons. The doctrine states the nickname can be one of Jon's choosing, but if Jon is having trouble making a decision (classic Jon), feel free to suggest some for Jon's approval. "J-Town," "the J-Train" and "Speed" are a few sample monikers from my Jon circus. If Jon is no fun and refuses to take a nickname, expel Jon and move on with your life. You can always see Jon again at the yearly Jon Fair in August, where thousands gather to reunite with or check in on their Jons.

You could probably find a better guide to Jons somewhere on the Internet, or stop by your local bookstore for a copy of "Jons For Dummies," but I feel this article is more tolerable. If you're really struggling on finding a Jon or you want/need a replacement Jon, I'll introduce you to one of mine. Trust me, they're some of the best Jons. I hope one day we will be able to live without limitations on Jons, but until then we must be vigilant and selective of our Jons or nicknames for Jons. Those are the rules. Below is a FAQ on Jon.

FAQ

Q: Do you hate Jon?

A: I love Jon, but I know where to draw the line.

Q: What is the difference between a John with an "h" and a Jon with no "h"?

A: There is no difference, both are Jon.

Q: Are Jonathan a Jon?

A: Yes.

Q: Can I still enjoy the works of a celebrity-level Jon if I have met the legal limit of 3-4 Jons?

A: Absolutely! You can enjoy the works of Jons such as Jon Hamm, John Legend, Jon Stewart, Jon Bon Jovi, John Krasinski and Lil Jon without worrying about your current Jon roster. However, if you personally interact with more than four Jons, regardless of stardom, best get to nicknaming. Remember: "A Jon is a Jon, no matter the fame/should you wish to keep one, Jon should nick thee name."

Q: Many Jons I know have different last names which help me to tell them apart, otherwise they would be virtually identical. Why must we live in a society with Jon limits?

A: I do not make the rules, but please continue to nickname any Jon you cherish so as to avoid expulsion.