After the enlightenment I experienced from reading a letter to New Bar, I have to admit that I certainly agree with the sentiments expressed by this writer.
It’s time that we college students acted as the social justice catalysts that we could be and demand that The Wood’s change the drink’s name.
The letter originally published by the The Miami Student provides a great list of suggested appropriate names. My favorites, of course, are “FSD (Fun Sexy Drink)” and “ASG (Actually Super Good).” However, the author suggests a few derogatory names herself, like “Obama Has Aged So Much for Only 7 Years in Office, Don’t You Think?” Naturally, this drink name would offend any Obama fan or anyone who has aged even more quickly than Mr. President has. We must nix this name as an option. One name even more offensive to many Ohio residents, is “We Hate Ohio State.” Seriously, so many OSU fans attend this university. They don’t want to order drinks calling out their favorite football team. However, FSD or ASG are perfect replacements for the "drink that shall-not-be-named."
In the spirit of political correctness, we might as well just change all slightly offensive titles! Let’s start with the famous “Irish Car Bomb.” Being of Irish descent, I’m personally confused why such a great ethnicity like this has to be associated with bombs. And car bombs, at that. Perhaps all of the Oxford bars could start calling this drink by a more suitable name? I’d like to suggest “Irish Mixie” because the drink is a wholesome mix of everyone’s favorite Irish alcohols—Guinness, Baileys, and Jameson.
Next on the chopping block is the “Red-Headed Slut.” This shot name offends a whole group of people with this hair color. Approximately two percent of the world’s population has red hair. We must stop offending them all! I am offering “Fun Loving Red Head” as a suitable replacement option.
“White/Black Russian” has to undergo some changes as well. This racially charged name is unacceptable. It is very unfair to assume that Russians make racial divides like this daily. The “white” Russian, made with cream, should simply be called “Coffee with Cream and a Shot of Vodka”—straightforward and a slight play on how people generally order coffee. The “black” Russian, which is similar to the White Russian but without cream, should be called “Coffee with a Shot of Vodka.” This simple replacement is much more acceptable and still lets drinkers distinguish it from the "Coffee with Cream and a Shot of Vodka" drink.
So, dear alcohol consumers, please consider my revisions that I have proposed to you. It is time that Oxford, and every bar everywhere, gets its act together and changes their horrible drink names. Spread the message and we can finally enact some real social change.
