First of all, I miss you. That doesn't mean that I want you to return to this life, however.

I know you're dominating on Scrabble boards in heaven all over the place, waiting for me to come play my next word. I remember your unwritten rules about how to play Scrabble. Don't play a word that ends in the letter S if you can avoid it. Ask for help when you need it, or consult the Scrabble dictionary if available. Then, of course, the person who finishes last is "the booby."

Don't get me wrong, I learned a lot about how to play Scrabble from you, but I learned a ton of other things too. I learned to say thank you, in writing, after every gift I receive. (I admit, I'm getting better at this one. Not quite perfect, but better.)

I also just learned to love writing in general through all the letters and cards we exchanged over the years. Now, I have a whole bunch of pen pals, and I wish you could see some of the letters they've sent; you would absolutely adore my pen pals' personalities and the art they add on their envelopes. Sometimes, like with my British or Australian pen pals, I learn new lingo native to their culture.For example, I had a pen pal once tell me that she was glad to receive my letter in her letterbox because she had been having "a real pants day", which is not a good thing.

Another thing I learned from you was to take risks and work through your fears. Even if they're irrational fears. Especially if they're irrational fears.

That makes me think of those times where we would go to that restaurant that's actually not there anymore, and we would request for the giant stuffed bear to take a seat with us at our table, courtesy of the restaurant. He would usually sit next to me, and then you would be on my other side. You used to say the bear made you very anxious; you would talk about how he looked kind of creepy and his size was intimidating. I swore to protect you from your fears, but ultimately you worked through them because of your love for me.

Thank you for being willing to dine with a bear at your table, even though he scared the pants off of you!

There were other ways you worked through your fears too; you lived independently with the help of one of your daughters (my great aunt). I imagine at your age I wouldn't want to live in a nursing home but would also realize that I couldn't live on my own without assistance either. That's a scary thing to live with, but you aged with dignity and grace. You are a role model for how I want to age when that point of my life creeps up on me.

I remember something else about you...about your family birthday parties.

Like the year where we all went up to the Amish-run hotel because it was closer than coming up to visit you all the way in Michigan. Then the one at my cousin's house where we had one of his student's donated Mario piñata, and how the plastic fish fell out of the thing when my brother whacked it. That was a good day, and it made me realize a couple things.

One is that you are so willing to accommodate our family, if the end result is our collective happiness. Thank you for that. I will try to do the same even though you are not here to see it in person, in this life.

I wanted to put your fears at rest and tell you some things on my mind and heart at the moment.

First of all, I know you're watching over me and all of our family. That means you probably already know what I'm about to tell you.

I went through a really dark time in junior high, high school, and most of college. I'm sorry if I worried you or made you feel sad for me. I'm sorry if you tried to send God's reinforcements down to help me, and I didn't listen or let them guide me.

I also am sorry that you had to see all of the stuff that happened while I was in my community college. The bullying I experienced, getting raped, sexually abusive boyfriend who I cheated on with someone that was married. (The married guy ended up committing suicide, so maybe you've seen him around.)

I wish I could have consulted with you about these things. Maybe if I did, then these things would not have happened. I enjoyed talking with you in this life. Perhaps, once I become a citizen of heaven like you, we can have the kind of relationship that you always taught me to want.

Tell my grandpa that I miss him too. He would be proud to know that I study communication with a minor in creative writing, since he used to be a professor of communication at Illinois State University. (I guess communication runs in the family.) I know you both would love to see me graduate, so do me a favor and peek over the clouds and watch the graduation ceremony in December.

I can try to remind you so that you both can be there. If nothing else you both will be in my heart that day, since you fueled me to become who I am today.

Thank you both for supporting me in my creativity and imagination development. Without your examples, I would be a much different person than I am now. I thank you for your laughter, silliness, and fun; these values were instilled in me too. Everything I am or ever will be is a recycled version of everyone I ever know or love.

So thank you for the gift of both of you.