Some things are just so unexplainable and horrible to think about. There are things you hear on the news, and tear up just thinking about how the family must feel. There are things you would never even think would happen to you, until it does, and that’s only the start. It’s hard to describe the feeling looking back on it, but every time I think of a world without you, my heart breaks a little more each time.

Nothing was more painful than the moment I was told I would never see you again. It was late, I was naïve and happy, carefree mostly. I had just came home from my friend’s house when my mom walked into my room. I turned around to see her crying. I asked her what’s wrong, but I wish I never asked. The words “your cousin is dead” crept out of her mouth and brought shivers deep inside my bones, I swear I thought that feeling would never go away. I can’t describe the feeling, but I felt like my heart was broken on the impact of those words hitting my ears. I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know a world without you.

The funeral was not as sense of closer I was hoping for. It was broken hearts in a room remembering a life lost too young. I stared at my shoes mostly, because looking at your friends and family crying was too hard to even face at the time. I remember my cousin saying, “you hear about these things happening everyday, but you never expect it to be you.” It was us. We lost a beautiful 10-year-old girl to a heart attack and I'll forever be changed by this event.

For a long time I was mad at the world. Mad at everyone for taking you away. I looked for someone to blame, but there wasn’t one specific person which mad me ever more mad. Why couldn’t you live a long life you deserved to live? No one deserved that more than you did. Even though you were only 10, you made more of an impact on this world than many people ever will. And I think that’s the reason you were taken so soon. You were better than this world and there is something better to look forward to.

It’s been two years now, and the pain has numbed, but not a day goes by without me thinking of you. Every birthday, Christmas, and Thanksgiving is different without you. It’s empty without your infectious laugh and your hugs that make everything okay again. We tell old stories, but I so wish there was new stories to hear from you personally. Sometimes I crave your smile and silly behavior, the world is different without it. I would give anything to have you back, even just for a day. That’s the hard part about the way you left us. It was sudden and shocking. One second you were here and the next you weren’t. None of us got to say goodbye, we didn’t get one last hug, one last look at you, or even one last smile. For now, I hope you’re watching over the family that misses you more than anything else.