I've been a vegetarian for about a year and a half now, and I started the whole thing out of spite. I was told I couldn't do it for a month so then I had to go for it because I don't like being told what I can and can't do. All I really missed were chicken nuggets, which for all I know, aren't even real meat, so I guess you could say I didn't really miss anything. The initial heartbreak about not having something savory to dip in my coney island ranch was easily overcome because, if you try hard enough, you can dip anything in your coney island ranch. Crisis averted. The real loss was what to order at Applebee's, seeing as though I eat there way more than I should. It wouldn't have been a problem had they not removed the cherished four-cheese grilled cheese from their menu. That really got me. I felt a pain like I had never quiet felt before, deep in my gluttonous heart.

So really, the primary struggle is that Americans have to put meat in literally everything. I don't see why I can't just have regular salad. Why are there globs of bacon bits in every freaking meal on the menu? It makes ordering out a real pain in the butt. However, all I have to do in order to overcome this excessive inconvenience is be that annoying person who asks for a chicken caesar salad without the chicken and the deed is done. I can go right back to living my happy, meatless life.

There's also the whole deal when people hear I'm coming over for dinner and they're like "oh my gosh in heaven, what the heck am I going to feed you?" It's really not that hard. I just won't eat the meat. It's not rocket science. Believe it or not, I will be perfectly fine consuming mass amounts of all your side dishes, especially because that's all I ever did in the first place.

Then everyone asks me why I decided to be a vegetarian. First of all, it's none of your business what I put in my mouth. Second, I don't like the idea of eating flesh. If I had a dollar for all of your unsolicited opinions about my "protein intake" or the "food chain" or whatever else you'd love to give me a PowerPoint lecture about, I'd be able to pay off all of my student loans. One day, you decide to change your eating habits and the next thing you know, everyone around you is up your butt about it.

I really don't care if other people eat meat. Do what you want. I don't like it and I don't want it. I like hugging cows, giving them names, showing them memes on my phone, and knowing that I won't be contributing to their environmentally-hazardous demise. And if you want to picture my icy glare the next time you sink your teeth into a hamburger then go for it.