A Case of the Mundanes:

If you tweet neat stuff about your life for your friends to read more than 10 times a day, I can tell you a neat fact about your friends: They hate you.

Accounts Deceivable:

My bank must stop trying to sell me identity theft protection. You know why I expect you to protect my money? Because you're a bank. Besides, I've already taken the most important precaution to make sure nobody abuses my debit card: I'm single.

Acting Bug:

We don't need a Broadway musical about Spider-Man. He lives with his aunt, wears a body stocking and leads a secret double life.He's gay enough already.

Auto Nix:

Since nobody reacts to car alarms anymore, stop putting alarms in cars. Face it. At this point, car alarms are like Glenn Beck: annoying, pointless and everyone's finally learned to ignore them. When I hear one, my first thought is: "Please God I hope someone is stealing that car so they'll drive it away from my window."

Country Crock:

If your website makes me choose a country from a drop-down list, put the United States at the top. Don't make me scroll through the hundred countries even Rick Steves couldn't give a shit about. Look, we're Americans. If we wanted to learn about countries like Burundi, Cape Verdi or Christmas Island, we'd bomb them.

Crass Register:

No more gift registries. It used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving. It's the white people version of looting.

Fizzle Stick:

Sorry North Korea, it's not an intercontinental ballistic missile unless it can get all the way to another continent. If all you ever hit is the ocean, what you've got is a torpedo.

Griddle Me This:

Stop lying to me about your pancake mix. The back of the box says 1 1/2 cups makes 10 to 12 pancakes. Really? 'Cause I get 4. Who's your cook, Jesus?

Kim Jong Ill:

Let's end the debate over whether North Korea has weapons that constitute a direct threat. If you don't think Korea has access to dangerous, toxic chemicals, you've obviously never been to a strip-mall nail salon.

Parish Is Burning:

If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry Reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.

PDA-Holes:

Couples who make out in public must bring a bucket along for me to throw up in. I didn't come all the way to Applebee's to be sickened by your dry humping. I came all the way to Applebee's to be sickened by the food.

Schnooks on a Plane:

If you're stuck on a plane that's not moving for more than 5 hours, you get to punch a baby.

Sea Minus:

In order to save the government some money, let's get rid of the Coast Guard. We already have someone guarding our coast. They're called the Navy. The rest of your job consists of trying to keep Cubans, Haitians and pot from reaching our shores. And you know how we know you've failed at that? Florida.

Slap on the Beck:

Liberals have to stop gloating about Glenn Beck's falling ratings. Just because he's lost a million viewers in six months does not mean America is wising up. His average fan is 89, weighed 250 pounds, and had the blood pressure of the Deepwater Horizon. They didn't tune out, they died.

Toot Beer:

Stop trying to slip stimulants into my stimulants. Traces of cocaine have been found in Red Bull. Drinking Red Bull with cocaine is like watching golf on Xanax.