Chopping Spree:

If you don't want the world to think your religion is medieval, stop beheading people. Texans are bloodthirsty and dim, and even they learned to use an electric chair. Come on, Islam. Join the 19th Century.

Coronary Eatery:

Your hamburger can't be bigger than your ass. Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield, Pennsylvania, is offering a burger that weighs 15 pounds. One sign your portions may be too large: if one of the health risks is a back injury.

Crappy Meal:

You can't put any more types of meat on a bacon cheeseburger. Once you've made it a bacon cheeseburger, you're done. If you're adding more than that, you have to opt out of Medicare.

Don't Be Hatin':

You can't criticize a governor for not hiring black people for his cabinet when his state has no black people. No, when he was governor of Vermont, Howard Dean never appointed an African-America to his cabinet, possibly because there's only one African-American in Vermont, and she's on the syrup bottle.

Fashion Police:

Give arrested celebrities a chance to com before their mug shots are taken! Not allowing fallen icons to wash up gives the impression that they're, well, washed up. And we'd hate for that to happen.

Fool Recovery:

Former drug addicts and alcoholics have to stop saying, "I almost died." No. Cancer survivors almost died. You almost had too good a time.

For Your Reconsideration:

Take one back. Every year, along with handing out the Oscars, the Academy should take one back. Get someone up there to say, "We blew it. Roberto Benigni----give it back! We just got you out of your seat that year because we wanted to see you dry-hump Judi Dench."

Gas Bags:

The big oil companies must stop running ads telling us how much they're doing for the environment. We get it: You rape the Earth, but you cuddle afterwards.It's insulting----like a serial killer dumping a body by the roadside and then adopting the highway. If you folks at Shell really are serious about cleaning something up, start with your restrooms.

Historical Blindness:

Not everything is a conspiracy. Black History Month is in February because Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass were born in February, not because it's the shortest month. Here's the deal: You accept this on faith, and we'll pretend you didn't completely make up Kwanzaa.

Internet Virus:

You can't notify people by email that you've given them chlamydia. The San Francisco Health Department has a new service that lets you send an Internet greeting card to someone you may have infected with an STD. "Roses are red, orchids are gray, congratulations, you have Hepatitus A.