Dessert Carp:

If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream. Now blend it again, Welcome-to-Baskin-Robbins-My-Name-Is-Kevin. And this time, give it a minute. You're in a pink and brown smock, it's not like you have a date later.

Dial Tome:

Stop bringing me a phone book. The last time anyone even needed a phone book was 1988. And it was a cop using it to beat a suspect.

Dissin' Franchise:

The makers of the movie "Final Destination 5" must be locked in a room until they learn what the word "final" means"

Glenn Scary Glenn Lost:

Since Glenn Beck is clearly onto us, liberals must launch our plan for socialist domination immediately. Listen closely, comrades. I've received word from General Soros and ur partners at the UN, Operation Streisand is a go. Markos Moulitsas, you and your "Daily Kos" controlled army of gay Mexican day laborers will join with Michael Moore's Prius tank division north of Branson, where you will seize the guns of everyone who doesn't blame America first, forcing them into FEMA concentration camps. That's where ACORN and I will re-educate them as atheists and declare victory in the War on Christmas.

Gym Carry:

Joggers have to leave the Batman utility belt at home. You've got two water bottles, a protein shake, and iPhone, an odometer, headphones, car keys, pepper spray, and some gizmo that uploads your heart rate to your Twitter page. Meanwhile, those German women who win every marathon can run thirty miles uphill drinking only the sweat that drips from their mustaches.

Hamper Proof:

If the doctor makes you take off your clothes, he has to provide somewhere to put your clothes. It's bad enough I have to sit in this cold exam room wearing a paper dress; I also have to cradle all of my clothes in my arms like I'm boarding the train to Auschwitz. you've got a million dollars' worth of equipment in there, Doc---How about a hook on the wall. Yes, I could pile my clothes on top of the hazardous waste container, or the table where dozens of men get their prostate exams every day, but on second thought......I'll just hold them.

Hell Sinky:

Restaurant restrooms sinks must not be so trendy that I can't figure out how to turn them on. Do I wave my hand in front of an electronic eye? Is it voice activated? Does it scan my retina? I know these sinks are supposed to be the state of the art in hygiene, but the guy next to me is peeing in his.

Hemline News:

If one of your news organization's headlines is about who got kicked off of "Dancing With The Stars," you're no longer a news organization. Sort of like, if you were on "Dancing With The Stars," you're no longer a star.

Hess We Can:

Stop talking about "the gas prices under Obama." As if he's the guy out there changing the numbers on the sign with that long pole. And while they're at the gas station, Republicans who still think that human activity doesn't affect air quality should poke their heads in the men's room.

High Finance:

Stop acting so surprised that 90 percent of our money has cocaine on it. This is America. You're lucky it doesn't have gravy on it. Besides, if it weren't for cocaine, a dollar wouldn't have any value at all.