All throughout growing up we heard about “abstinence" the idea that every adult should abstain from sex until marriage. In school they bring in the health instructor to talk about how “abstinence is key” and so on and so forth. My point is, abstinence is pushed from an early age to save sex for marriage. But no one seems to go into WHY. When asked the question they usually say “because the bible says so” and go on with their speech. As if we're supposed to take that as an appropriate response and be satisfied.

I am a firm believer in the “why’s”, the “hows” and the mere explanations of life. So when I was told “because the bible said so” it didn’t seem like a fair enough answer for me. Growing up it was always something we were told. They taught the concept in church, school and even for me at home. While I was often given some kind of “why” I never fully got the answer that made me personally want to. Sounds selfish right? but with decisions like that, I feel you kind of have to be.

In the bible, in Songs of Solomon to be exact, Solomon writes a love story explaining in great detail the desires of the heart. In the book he states “do not arouse love until it pleases” (SOS 2:7) Sex was designed for 2 people in love; love being the driving factor in the action. We are told not to “awaken" it because it arouses is such a strong feeling. Surrendering everything to someone in hopes that they will cherish it like you do, awakens something in us that we can’t put back to sleep. Much like a baby; once you've awoken it there's no turning back you now have to deal with those consequences of awakening the baby before it was ready to wake up. (Oh the irony of the baby metaphor.) This allows us become more vulnerable in that setting and all around closer to that person. While those are all good things, think of the problem it causes when you realize that person isn’t for you? When you have to break the heart strings that were created when you chose to connect yourself to another human being before it was time? There's a reason it's called "heart break" once you've decided to go down that road, the only way to truly get out of it is to break all emotional ties you've made with the person and that really does hurt. Severed heart strings are painful.

We aren’t told not to just because they don’t want us to have fun or enjoy the taboo topic that is sex, but it is actually for our safety. Yes I said safety. The safety of our hearts. Sex is not just a physical act, it insinuates intimacy. If you actually break intimacy down it helps you understand the meaning: IN-ToMe-You See. INTIMACY. Unfolding yourself out for someone not just physically but emotionally. Becoming vulnerable in the most intense way, allowing someone to see all of you, not just the parts you want them to see. (Physically and emotionally.)

In high school sex becomes less taboo and more common. Growing up I became one of the few in my class to actually sustain from it, and for the longest time I wasn’t really sure why I was even doing it. I was taught at an early age just like everyone else “sex was for marriage” but a lot of adults stop with that phrase and lessen their need to “drive it home” and end with “but we all know that’s not going to happen, so here are some condoms” and begin to teach safe sex. It sounds vulgar, and it kind of is, but eventually we all have to stop beating around the bush and actually lay out the words that people for so long have avoided. One of the reasons why adults cringe at the infamous “sex” talk; it’s not exactly “small talk.”

As I got older, I began to search for the “why” and started to ask myself what the reasons where that I hadn’t already heard from everyone else. The answer was more simple than I would’ve expected; It’s not that I wasn’t put in those situations. You know, the ones where you love someone so much and you want to give them everything? But as I began to reassess things, The word “no” became easier and easier. I valued myself more than that. Not saying I was better than the person I was with, but I really believed that If whoever I was with loved me like he said he did, he would wait too. A lot of times, we go into relationships thinking ” no I won’t do this” and then fall short of our own boundaries. We don’t draw the line in the beginning so It becomes harder and harder to say no every step of the way.

The answer to the "why" is your value in Christ and in yourself. How much do you value yourself? How much do you think Jesus values you?

My values meant more to me than I even knew. My dad used to say to me “never settle” and while I used to blow him off because he said it all the time, It was the one thing that played on repeat in the back of my head. At 18 years old I had waited so long, was I ok with giving up what I had waited so long for, for a relationship that would or wouldn’t last? Not that you go into the relationship expecting that, but nothings set in stone yet so you always weigh on the possibility of the most realistic outcome: high school relationships rarely last.

Finding my identity in Christ is where I found the strength to say no. Not because it would let my dad down, not because ” the bible said so” and not because thats what had been instilled from the beginning. While those were all nice reminders, I wasn’t going to listen unless I knew who I was completely in Christ, and that he had created someone SPECIALLY designed to meet my needs and I his. The idea of finding the man of my dreams and having to say “well I couldn’t wait for you” haunted me.

My intention is not to bash those who have had sex, I don’t condemn you by any means, there are plenty of mistakes I have made and no one is perfect. But I do believe in the idea that if we understand why we shouldn’t do it, more than just your stereotypical answers, then we may not choose to make those decisions based on our new education. Christ renews and restores just as he reminds and redefines.

Being in a new school and a new place making new friends has help me to understand what is important. Helping me realize my values and standards for myself and to be proud of the decisions I’ve made based on my identity I have found in Jesus Christ. He has created me for great things and I want to be able to share to all the girls that have and haven’t. At 20 years old I wear a purity ring, Its a little silver knot-band and at first I was a bit ashamed to wear it in fear that someone would ask me why, I found I would not be able to answer, but now I can. I have decided to KNOT have sex until I tie the KNOT. Because I know that Christ has created someone for me that will love me unconditionally and I him. And It will be even greater than I can imagine because it will be in HIS timing, not his. Which was a greater “why” to me than I could ever ask for.