The weekend of June 10 to the 12 was a weekend full of highs and lows. For the first time after coming out, I went to an LGBTQ specific event, Indy Pride, and I went being completely out. That was on Saturday, June 11, when the LGBTQ community was only thinking about having fun and celebrating who we are. Then I woke up on Sunday. June 12, to hear the news of the Orlando LGBTQ+ massacre. My heart shattered into a million pieces the more I learned about the victims.

Over the past few days, I have spent hours upon hours thinking about the juxtaposition of these two days. My original plan for this week was to write about going to my first Pride parade, to talk about how much fun it was to be around people who just loved, people who did not judge but enjoyed that you were having as much fun as they were. Instead, I now sit here to write about what I have learned about being a member of the LGBTQ+ community in the past couple of days. I cannot believe the amount I have grown in understanding in less than a week from this tragedy.

The first and probably the biggest thing I have learned is that America hates me. Now, you may be thinking, "Now wait a minute, that isn't fair. America doesn't hate the LGTBQ+ community, you can get married now! You have more representation than ever before, and that is totally true: things now are a ton better than they ever were before for the LGBTQ+ community. That doesn't mean, however, that a lot of America still doesn't hate us.

I saw that this week in the senators and congressmen who refused to address that this tragedy was specifically targeted at the LGBTQ+ community. I saw it in the people that want to say that this terror attack was about the shooter being Muslim, even though that wasn't the motivation for the attack: homophobia was. I see it in the people who still use gay as an insult, those who won't call this attack a hate crime, and in those who tell me to not politicize this tragedy even though my entire existence as a queer woman is politicized. Don't worry, America definitely still hates me for being an openly bisexual woman.

Second, I need to learn from those who are my elders in this community. I saw this string of tweets that a friend of mine shared on Facebook from an older woman in the LGBTQ+ community. It broke my heart all over again as she talked about how the older generations fought so we wouldn't have to face or think about this violence. People my age cannot really remember all the struggle that this community went through. We were just toddlers when the Matthew Shepard hate crime happened. We didn't really have any idea of how dangerous it was to be an openly out member of the LGBTQ+ community. Well, until now, that is. So we look to those older than us who have fought this fight for most of their lives. We use their example to figure out how we ourselves will fight.

Third, we need to actively fight for acceptance even harder now. Over the past few days I have watched multiple documentaries about the community and our response to everything the world has thrown at us. It has been saddening to see how much we have lost and had to fight through. From Stonewall, to the AIDS crisis that our government turned a blind eye to, to losing so many of us to suicide from not feeling like we had a place in this world because of hate. These are all different fights this community has fought over the last 60 years or so just for our basic human rights, but it cannot stop there. Those of us who are younger have to join in with the fight fully now. While great things have been accomplished for our community, more needs to be done, and we have to be a part of that for it to happen.

I am sad, I am angry, and I am fearful after this past week, but I will not give up on the hope that we can make change for us. Seeing how many people are coming out in support of the Orlando victims and our community helps with that. We have responded the amazing way this community always does, with love, whether that be within our own community or to our Muslim brothers and sisters who have also been unfairly attacked by this vicious hate crime. That is why I still have hope that one day we will no longer have to fear for our lives. I see amazing people in and around this community, but that day is a long way in coming, and now we have to fight back for change any way we possibly can.

This past week has been an absolute roller coaster of emotions and lessons learned, yet I have grown so much, which I can't help but be thankful for. It has been a sad way to grow in my understanding of myself, but that is what has come out of this for me. By knowing I have grown, I can't help but think others have as well. We have grown to understand how important it is that we get the change we so desperately need. Here is to hoping our fight for that change will prosper soon, especially after this incident. Let us continue to love one another and fight on as we have for decades. It is one of the most important things we can do.