Step one: Understand that you are, in fact, non-normative.

Non-normative refers to the idea that there are cultural and societal standards pertaining to the way we look, behave, talk, and act, and that someone has the ability to act according to those standards or not according to those standards. In this case, Queerness and the Queer identity aligns with those non-normative standards.

Make sure that when doing this, it stays upbeat and positive. It is easier to understand normative cultural identities and performative aspects of personhood as idealistic and something to strive towards, but the truth is that the entropic queer identity is the most idealistic existence any person could ever hold.

Step two: Tell one person that you might be queer in some way.

Queer refers to both non-normative sexualities, non-normative genders, as well as non-normative thought processes. Queer itself can be used as an identity to confuse heterosexuals and other non-queers, and it can also be used as a verb: as in “I want to queer American English, by introducing the word folx as an all-inclusive word to refer to queer people.”

Be aware that in most cases, and with varying time spans, this is where everyone finds out and labels you as gay or lesbian. This will feel like the end of the road, you’ve finished, figured it all out, understood yourself as deep as necessary, everyone else knows you to be exactly one thing which is not what they assumed and great we’re done. False.

Depending on the community and familial responses to step two, please know that the following step may or may not be necessary. As each coming out process is unique and cannot be condensed down to one blanket experience.

Step Two and a half:

Know that you are valid regardless of how others react. Your queerness as a bisexual, aro, enby human is valid even though Str8 Allies don’t often recognize it. You may run into trouble on every corner, from heterosexuals and possibly from other queer folx. And I know that it is easier said than done, but don’t let that be your entire experience. The pain of erasure and invalidation can feel drowning, but as our foresisters fought systemic inequalities, so shall we. Let Queer History invigorate your experience. You will always be valid, because you are alive and you have lived.

Bisexual, Aro (aromantic), and Enby (Non-binary), refer to one Sexual identity, one Romantic identity, and one Gender identity that exist within the Queer Ocean. There exists an infinitude of identities within this ocean, and as society allows for the vocalization of more voices that have been snuffed throughout history, we continue to create language to recognize and linguistically legitimize more folx existences.

Step three: Overwhelm yourself with Queer Space.

Queer Space as it has evolved over time and comes in an infinite variety of look, feel, comfort. Some are niche even within the Queer Ocean, and some are designed for queerness to be explored before reaching the age of 18. Queer Space historically has looked like the “Gay Club”, and while it still exists in this fashion today, Queer Space also looks like makeshift internet communities of queers from all backgrounds allowing for love and community to be shared worldwide.

The quickest and easiest way to do that is to download every app out there designed to allow people the chance to talk to other queer folx. So go out and download Tumblr, Reddit, MySpace, Scruff, Grindr, Tinder, Growlr, Jack’d, Her, OkCupid, Bumble, Hinge, etc. As with all communities, you can only get out what you put in. Please remember, as much of the rest of our society exists, so to do these apps and websites exist primarily within a gender binary system that is reinforced with necessary labels and filtering functions, proceed with queer caution. Many of these apps are primarily populated with high-libido sexually experienced queers who are looking for no-strings-attached queer sex. Often times, unsolicited sexual pictures will be sent as a greeting. And by far, for folx wanting to pursue more long-term or monogamous-style relationships with other queer folx, it is better to use an app or website like OkCupid. It is not impossible to find the queer love of your life, or the queer best friend you’ve always wanted through these apps it just takes dedication and flexibility.

Step four: Continually and without hesitation, always throw the life preserver out.

As we are truly living in the Queer Ocean, you will come across queer folx drowning in the waters around us. Even if your queer existence has never had road blocks, know that we are all family and that it takes a village. We will get nowhere if we promote the “pull yourself up” mentality as our heterosexual society wants us to. Remember that your queer existence goes against the normative society, and nothing you do should promote those norms, as you would be hurting yourself.

You’ve done it now! Continue on in your queer adventure, sailing through the Queer Ocean, navigating rough waters, whether sailing alone or sailing with a crew of queer folx that become your chose family, everything you do is queer. Fear not as you traverse the unknown and wage wars against the evils of the world. You will always be loved. You will always be valid.

Note: The author is a middle class, white, college educated. non-binary, queer individual. Their perspective shows one view of the world. There is no step by step process for “How to be Queer.”