So, maybe you’ve mismanaged your time, maybe you were doing other things, but the fact of the matter is that you need to write an article and it’s near the deadline. But you need not worry, new friend, because we here at the Odyssey are happy to provide you with a list of MUST DO things if you need to write that article at the last minute. So without farther ado, let’s begin… 

Step 1: Include a relatively unnecessary introduction

This is an imperative if you want to fill out any prospective word count. While most people will skip it and go straight to the meat of the article, a wordy introduction is a great thing to add if you are running out of time and need to really beef up your “article”. Most people will feel it’s unnecessary, and they’re right! But that’s not the point, this is your article and you can do what you damn well please! What is “real” writing anyway? Right? 

Step 2: Add an exorbitant amount of bullet points.

This one is only for lists, but if you are writing something at the last minute (which you are, I know you, you lazy bastard) a list is what you need to go for! You can just add any combination of random bullet points and call it a list. Really, you can. It’s in the bible. You just have to make sure that you flesh out the bullet points with any variation of relatively inane details validating the existence of the bullet and you’re golden! Just make sure no one notices the trick you are pulling, or you’ll seem like an unprofessional lazy hack lacking in any academic or artistic integrity.

 Step 3: Add unnecessary points in order to make it seem like you have a greater opinion on the matter.          

This one is pretty important. What you need to do is really make the reader believe that you are passionate about whatever you are writing about. It doesn’t matter if you couldn’t give less of a sh*t about the rare aboriginal miniature penguin (or even know what it is, for that matter) because for these few paragraphs you are so unbelievably passionate about the rare aboriginal who-gives-a-sh*t that you can hardly take a breath! Writing is about tricking the reader into thinking you actually have something of substance to say, but you (yeah you) and me know that those other articles are all just filler to save the authors ass from an impending deadline.

 Step 4: Go on tangents.              

Now, if you hit empty on all this creativity stuff you do still have a couple of options. Think of yourself like a bouncy-ball hurtling at terminal velocity towards rock bottom: now you could either bounce straight back up in a boring rebound (thereby saving any semblance of cohesiveness your obligatory article didn’t have in the first place) or you could hit a pebble of inspiration and go careening out into the left field, thereby hitting another rock causing an avalanche of bullsh*t that is then surfed by a passing group of drunken Irish daredevils on the run from the CIA and the KGB…my point being that you shouldn’t  limit yourself to things that “make sense” or “are actually clever/funny”. Tangents take words, and that is the important thing. 

 Step 5: Have Fun.               

Fine, sure, I get it, you have no more ideas at all. You’ve hit empty on the creative gauge and all you want to do is crawl into bed with a bottle of vodka and your old high school track trophies (your words, not mine). But did that stop George Washington from crossing the English Channel to fight the Belgians? No! Because you as a writer are allowed to make everything up! Take that in for a moment, you are the master of your domain, the king of your castle, the magician at the gates! You can write whatever you want and pretend it’s a thing, no matter how far-fetched or factually impossible. Bill Clinton has a third nipple? Your great-grandfather once made love to Stonewall Jackson? You are inventor of the bowling shoe? IT CAN ALL BE TRUE. And with this new-found power to write whatever you want you are finally able to finish your article exactly how you planned to when you started it: one hour before your deadline. Congratulations. You’re the best.