Hello, Internet traffic!

In lieu of a genius article, I've decided to give you the hottest things to do in Walla Walla. Every night, a plethora of great events are going on in town. You probably have no idea. That's OK. That's why I am here to teach you, my children. I am the Fun Guru! Listen to me and have a great time every night! Why have a night in when you can party with Walla Walla's greatest!

1. Red Monkey

Get unacceptably wasted and play trivia with friends, family and (you guessed it) people who spend more time drunk than sober! Win trivia and potentially be famous for a solid three seconds! Yikes, what a great time!

2. Pioneer Park

Why spend your nights alone when you could be smoking crack in the park with random people? Enjoy some fresh crack with that one guy you saw yelling at ducks the other day! I can't think of anything I wouldn't want to not do less!

3. The Frats

Excellent! Another great night at Phi Omega Omega Psi or Nu Omicron Pi Epsilon! (I can't tell the difference between them anymore.) Watch as people pretty much copulate through their very thin clothes and poison their bodies (as proven by the throwing up noises in the background.) Sound like fun? You betcha! (Anthony's Pro-tip: Pee on every visible surface! It really rounds out the experience in a great way.)

4. The Wheat Fields

I can't think of a better place to be murdered (I mean, picnic with friends)!

5. Maxey Hall

Want to be trashed and learn about the disparity between races in America? Check out Maxey Hall for some automatic guilt! Feel bad about being white? If you don't, then you willafter a night in Maxey! (Anthony's Pro-tip: BYOG equals Bring Your Own Guilt.)

6. Bennington Lake

Have a dead body to hide? Want to drown someone? Just have to get away? Check out Bennington Lake for some watery fun! You won't regret it! (Anthony's Pro-tip: BYOCB equals Bring Your Own Cement Blocks.)

7. North Hall

Walla Walla's real hottest club is North Hall. The absolutely bouncing music, great ambience, and creepy vibes really get the night going for you! Check out the amazing selection of tapas in the upstairs kitchen, the wonderful live music in the basement lounge and the morgue!

8. The Dentist's Office

Honestly the most exciting place on this list. Go wild! Kick your boredom to the curb! Get a root canal! Yeah, do you.

9. The Backseat Of His Car

You're nasty. Stop it. This is not the time. Come on, really? This is why Jebus hates millennials. Idiots.

10. Just Stay Home

This might be the best choice. Or go to Milton-Freewater to make Walla Walla look like Beverly Hills when you get back!

Have fun, y'all!