Since lying is prohibited at UVA, and isn't a good life decision in general, we'll refer to these phony stories and statements as “excuses.” Although I don't encourage this type of behavior (sorry, TJ), sometimes it is necessary to wiggle your way out of situations and “commitments.”
There are a few stages that will guide you to creating a flawless excuse.
Establish the basics. Where do you not
want to go? Who and what are you trying to avoid? How can you, legitimately, convince the opposing party that you can't attend
without causing serious psychological damage to them or eternally
destroying a friendship? The tricky part is ensuring that there is no
room for, “maybe you can come late, leave early, Skype with us,
follow our event's live tweets." An excuse that eliminates all
replacements and alternatives is the goal.
Form the story. You've got to get this story down to every last detail. Know
what you
were wearing, how many times you reapplied your chap stick, if you
flipped your hair to the right, left, or all around like Willow Smith. It all must be predetermined so you can respond to all inquiry
with confident and respectfully speedy answers, without being too eager. Beware of contradictions. Even the smallest slip up
will blow your cover and send the entire excuse spiraling down into a
black hole of lies and dishonor.
Consider body language. For lack of a
better term, study yourself. Do you fidget, pace, or twerk naturally
when you speak? Other people will subconsciously notice if you're
acting abnormal or out of character before you can realize the minor
details of your action. The real key is to make eye contact so strong
and direct that the person feels like you are staring deeply into
their soul, making them feel wildly uncomfortable. They
will, then, buy your lie and accept it in order to get you
to stop speaking and staring at them, and remove themselves from close proximity to you. #winning.
Check for loopholes. Before the telling
of the excuse, you must secure all loopholes. If you're involving a third unrelated party, be sure to inform them of their role in the alternative plan in extreme detail, to prepare for the highly
unlikely questioning interrogation coming their way. One small slip
up, and the entire facade is shattered; and the recipient of the
excuse will forever see the excuser as an impostor and question their values. Well, that escalated quickly.
Social media re-enforcement. Be aware of your
own activity on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Myspace, Club
Penguin, etc. Don't invite other Penguins to your igloo when
you told Sarah you are "playing Bingo with your Great Aunt
Debbie this afternoon." That will swiftly make you look
suspicious if you are online during the allotted time of said
commitment you are wiggling your way out of. Be sure to make Snapchat
stories of just your face and obscure things that show details of your whereabouts or activity. This is starting to sound a bit
like FBI-related interrogation. Oops.
The follow-up. The follow-up comes
in many forms and functions. Social media can be an outlet on how you, "had so much fun today #bingo #oldpeople #familyfun." The
more specific, the more believable. Other followers will find you to
be strange, but the lie will strengthen significantly. Other than social media, one can text the person they ditched and ask how their day was, as you brag
about your fabulous day, but also how terribly sad you
were to not have carried through with the previous commitment.
After these steps, all I have to say is may your story be believable, may the recipients
be gullible, and may the odds be ever in your favor.