The gates of hell have opened up and Satan has decided to breathe his fire straight into the DMV area.

Lucky for me, I absolutely hate any temperature over the comfortable, breezy digits of 70 degrees. Also lucky for me, I so intelligently made the conscious decision to spend my summer in Washington, DC, also know as a literal swampland.

To be completely honest, the DC heat has not been as awful as I had initially expected. I was told tales of people passing out on the streets; humidity that feels like the air is licking your skin, and endless rain.

This summer, however, has been milder in the humidity zone. But instead it has just been plain hot. The past week or so has been a nice, comfortable temperature of 100 degrees featuring 80 percent humidity. Lovely.

Instead of allowing this heat to melt me into a puddle, I have decided to make myself a resident expert in dealing with DC’s hell fire of a summer.

You can trust my tips mostly because I dealt with 90-degree temperatures and a broken air conditioner for 48 hours. This makes me a certified expert™, so just trust me on these.

Clothing

When deciding on the perfect outfit for dancing with the devil, it is crucial to wear as little clothing as possible.

But only if you are a man. Women are certainly never allowed to wear anything that is too short, too tight, or too revealing. Even in 90-degree weather. It distracts the kind, suit-clad gentleman of DC.

Don’t disrupt them! They’re trying to run our economy into the ground!

Therefore, if you are of the womanly variety, it is best to invest in some boxy frocks that won’t show your pit marks, won’t hug your curves, and really show off the latest trend of looking like a Trader Joe’s brown paper bag!

Deodorant

Eh, you probably don’t need this. Sweat cools you off! You need the sweat, and you need that musky smell of body odor because apparently it is an attractive quality.

And you really shouldn’t wear deodorant if you plan on taking public transportation. I assure you that everyone on the Circulator wants to collectively turn the bus into a locker room as you all cram together and lift your arms up to hold onto the rails.

Food

You want to avoid foods that are too heavy in the summer months. Soups can make you too warm. And sandwiches are so last autumn!

It is best to order a salad. And only a Sweetgreen salad. It is weather appropriate, super chic, and will only burn a small hole in your pocket. Make sure you get the bread, though. That’s where the magic is.

Water

Drinking water is a sign of weakness in DC. If you don’t have a hot coffee in your hand, or a margarita in the other, why are you even here? Dehydration is a sign of commitment to your craft and your aesthetic. You don’t need it. Moving on.

Air Conditioning

Honestly, whoever invented AC was far from a genius. You should never be able to escape the DC heat. It should follow you everywhere you go. Your back sweat and restless sweat is just continuous training for the afterlife.

You should embrace the heat at all times. This means intentionally shutting off your AC, or better yet, just take a bat to the damn thing. You don’t need it. It’s just holding you back. Sink or swim.

If you take these tips to heart in your daily life, I assure you that you will always be prepared for the DC heat. You’ll be like a little DC boy scout. Next step: surviving DC allergies!