Disclaimer: I tried to be as relatable as possible, but know that I am writing through the lens of my own experience. Not all of the things I discuss will relate to every person who grew up like I did. Also, you didn’t have to grow up with addicts to relate to this; anyone who’s ever known and loved an addict can find some truth here.
Attention is finally being brought to America’s heroin problem, which is amazing. I’m so happy that people are finally stepping up and saying that this needs to end and that we need to stop treating all addicts like they’re hardened criminals. As grateful as I am for the media attention, people seem to be forgetting about the families of addicts.
My whole life has been shaped by addiction. It wasn’t always heroin -- it was alcohol, pills, cocaine, basically whatever they could get their hands on. My non-addict family members tried very hard to shield me from the reality of my life: that almost every single adult I knew was an addict. Despite their best efforts, I always knew that something was wrong. I don’t remember how old I was when I figured it out, but I know I was much younger than I should have been when I had the harsh realization that drugs were ruining my life.
The first thing that happens when you grow up surrounded by addicts is you learn how to act like an adult from a remarkably early age. By the time I was 6 years old, I was taking care of a baby. My little sister, who I wrote an article about, became the center of my young life. When I wasn’t in school, I was taking care of her. When I was in school, I was worried about her. I do not and will not ever resent her for that. On top of taking care of a baby when I was barely out of my toddler years, I had to take care of myself as well. I had family members looking out for me, but no one really cared for me on a day-to-day basis. One of my earliest memories is setting the microwave on fire because I was hungry and there wasn’t anyone around to feed me. I was no older than 4. You have to grow up really fast because no one else is going to be the grown up for you.
When you get older, after you’ve realized that everyone around you is an addict, you develop an ability to identify toxic people nearly on sight. You grow up surrounded by them, so it’s not that difficult to see right through people. When you grow up being lied to and stolen from, you learn not to deal with toxic people. You can only let yourself be hurt so much. You must learn early on that it is alright to cut toxic people out of your life if you can. It is not selfish to do what is best for yourself and your family. You can’t live your best life with addicts holding you back.
You keep people at arm’s length because, with a lot of people in your life, that was the healthy thing to do. It’s become your automatic setting. You think that if you keep people at a distance, you won’t hurt as badly when they inevitably do something that hurts you. You have to re-learn how to trust, love, and be loved again because not everyone is going to hurt you in some colossal way. They’re not all going to hurt you the way that you’re used to being hurt. You have this perception of yourself that you’re damaged goods. Maybe you are a little bit damaged, but so is everyone else. You have to keep on telling yourself that being damaged does not take away from all of the wonderful things that you are.
The serenity prayer says to accept the things you cannot change, but I disagree. Growing up completely immersed in addict culture and coming out on the other side of it shows you that statement isn’t always true. You do not have to accept the things you cannot change. Maybe you can’t change them, but you can change your situation. Maybe it’s in my nature, but I’ve never been one to just accept things. If I ever got a lower grade than what I thought I deserved, I simply wouldn’t accept it. I’m like that with people too. If you are less than what I deserve, no matter our biological relationship, you’re not a part of my life.
I don’t even hold the addicts that have run my life for 20 years to a high standard. Every child deserves a father who loves them fiercely and unconditionally, not one who stops calling. Every child deserves a mother who loves them to the moon and back, not one who walks away when things get tough. Every child deserves parents -- real parents who do everything they can to provide for their children, biological or not. You do not have to accept the things you cannot change because accepting the things and people that hurt you only leaves the door open for more pain. You learn that you can’t always change people, but you can change yourself. Sometimes that means ending a relationship with someone who only brings you pain and suffering.
One of two things can happen when you grow up surrounded by addicts: you can let fate drag you down with them or you can fight like hell to do what they couldn’t. I’ve seen people with addict parents who get sucked right into that lifestyle. Once you’re in it, it is unbelievably hard to remove yourself from it. I’ve also seen people (myself included) who push back against that. Behind my back, family members have said that they thought I would end up like my parents -- I know who you are, by the way, so thanks -- and clearly I didn’t.Maybe it’s in my nature to prove people wrong. Maybe it’s the way I was nurtured by my non-addict family members. Maybe it’s both. I am not better than the person who falls into the metaphorical rabbit hole. One person is not better than another because of something they can’t help. Addiction is a disease. Period. You need to learn to stop blaming the addicts and start accepting them for what they really are. They are people who need help.
