It's 5:45 a.m. on a Tuesday morning. I have been awake since 3 a.m. (yay insomnia!) But in my sleeplessness, I felt compelled to seek God. So I slipped out of bed, grabbed my bible and prayer journal, and went out into the hallway where it's light so I wouldn't wake my roommate (even though I totally did anyway, sorry Sarah!). It was in that moment that I found my "spark" again.

I've gone to church my entire life. I was even on the worship team for a while. But for some reason or another, I never felt connected. I believed in God, but I just couldn't open my heart to the miracles he had been performing in my everyday life. I stopped attending church when I was in high school. Partly because I had several severe illnesses (but that's for another article), and partly because I just didn't feel like a "good" Christian.

Fast forward to college, fall of 2016. Shortly before the semester began, God was speaking to my heart, telling me to get connected with a Christian organization here at Lindenwood. So I found Cru. At our very first get together, we, as a group attended an amazing church called Matthias' Lot. It was unlike any church experience I've ever had in my life. God was in the room, his almighty power bringing me to my knees. At the end of the service, tears of joy streaming down my face, I told the pastor I wanted to be baptized - something that I had never felt comfortable doing before. Three weeks later, at 19 years old, I declared Jesus to be my Lord and Savior in front of the whole congregation.

Things were great at Matthias' Lot. I felt completely connected and loved, I found a family there, and I felt the gospel of Jesus Christ resonating within my soul. I was reading my bible, praying, and actively seeking God. However, it wasn't long until everything got turned upside down.

Without going into massive detail, I got into a...disagreement with someone I had drawn very close to in the church. Things spiraled out of control and I honestly no longer felt safe attending the community I once loved so much. Weeks went by, then months, and still I could not bring myself to step back into that building. I had convinced myself that I would continue living for Christ, and just wouldn't attend church. Unfortunately, that didn't work out.

Slowly, worldly influences began creeping into my life. the way I thought, the way I spoke, and the way I acted were all completely contrary to the will of God. I stopped bearing witness to people, and I definitely stopped reading my bible and praying. For a while, it wasn't a big deal, the change was gradual. But eventually, I noticed there was an empty hole in my life. So I strove to fill that hole in any way that I could. Family, friends, television, just about ANYTHING other than God. But I didn't like the person I was becoming. God began to creep into my thoughts and my heart more frequently. Still, I pushed him aside and tried in vain to fill the hole in my heart.

Fast forward to April 11, 2017. After over an hour of fiddling around on my phone, I felt God's presence, stronger than ever. So I grabbed my bible and prayer journal and sat out in the hall so I would have some light. I opened to 1 John, and it was there that my spark was reignited. "Stop loving this evil world and all that it offers you, for when you love the world, you show that you do not have the love of the Father in you" 1 John 3:5. Reading this opened my eyes to the mistakes I had made. Sure I was hurt by a member of the church, but they weren't God. They are of this earth, just like me, and they aren't perfect. None of us are. I prayed to God to open my heart to Him, for Him to guide me and to make my intentions pure. I prayed to live my life for Him, to bear my testimony, and to speak His truth. How blessed was I to realize that although I had strayed from my God, He never once abandoned me?

I am undeserving of the Lord and incredibly blessed to experience His mercies which are new every day. For those of you who have also lost your spark, pray. It may not be easy, and it may not feel authentic at first. But God is listening! There is no prayer too big or too small to bring before the Father. I am grateful to have gone through this journey. It strengthened my faith and brought a new sense of compassion to my testimony. I will continue to struggle, but I know that through seeking the Lord I will continue to grow. Fill the hole in your heart with Christ, for He is the way, the truth, and the life.