Father’s Day is a day meant for family, barbecues and doing whatever it is that your dad wants to do. It’s a day to appreciate your father for all that he does for you and your family no matter what it is and to show him how much you love and care for him. Whether it’s golfing, eating or even just having everyone together in the house. It’s a day for the family to spend time together and celebrate your dad. It’s a simple day, but it’s important. But for those who have lost their father like I have, it’s just another day to remind you of what you’ve lost. For me and my family, Father’s Day is a day that we often don’t realize is coming up until it’s right around the corner, and it’s one of those days we don’t really talk about much.

In November of 2004, my dad was diagnosed with Lung Cancer, and by February of 2005, he had passed away. It was quick but severe, and it left me and my sisters without a dad and my mom without a husband. I was seven years old.

Losing your father at a young age sucks. There’s simply no other way for me to put it. It sucks, it’s hard, and it’s something that I have to deal with daily. At this point in my life, I have spent over 60% of my days without him, and the older I get, the bigger that percentage will become. When he died, I was young enough to not have made many memories of him, and no matter what I do, I will never in my life be able to make more. My dad was not able to watch my dance recitals, help me decide on where I was going to college, or even watch me receive my high school diploma. He will not be able to watch me graduate from college, walk me down the aisle, or even get to meet my potential future children. I will never again be able to hug him, joke with him, or even have an adult conversation with him. It’s not that he wouldn’t want to be there or do these things, it’s just that he can’t. It’s heartbreaking, but this is the reality that I, and many others, face.

These are all things that cross my mind often, but they’re usually in waves. Most days, I am okay. My dad’s death happened over a decade ago, so it is safe to say that I have accepted it, and I have come to terms with what that entails. But that does not mean that I am numb to it. Once the death of someone you love has become distant enough in time, it becomes easier. You get accustomed to life without them physically there. Most of the time, my dad’s death is something that I live with. It is something that has happened and obviously upsets me, but I am okay. But then there are also days where I think about him all day and cry alone in my bedroom. Father’s Day typically tends to be one of those days.

For those who have lost theirs, Father’s Day is a simple reminder of all that they’ve lost and all that they can’t get back. They are reminded of reality. It’s this weird mixture of trying to celebrate your dad, but also the heartache of missing him terribly. Every day there is this obvious gap in your life, but the flashing signs, cards, commercials, etc. of “Celebrate Your Dad This Father’s Day!” make that gap much wider and harder to ignore. You get to watch all of your friends buy their gifts, post pictures of them with their dads (that aren’t only pictures of you with him as a kid), and actually spend time with them, and it reinforces just how much you’re missing. And then once you post something about your father who died, people often times become uncomfortable, don’t know what to say, and you often get sympathy likes (trust me, posts about your parent who died get way more likes than any other). All of those are things that come with losing a parent and the social media age. A lot of people who haven’t experienced it can’t understand, and I truly hope they don’t for a very long time. It’s just something that those who have experienced it understand completely. There is a much greater pressure for fathers on this day, making it much more prominent that yours is not here. There’s nothing that can be done to change anything, it just needs to be taken day by day. And on this day, it just happens to be harder. And that’s okay. It’s life.

Even though it’s hard to not have your dad, it’s important to remember your father for who he was and be grateful. For me, I am grateful that every single time someone tells me a story about my dad, it is paired with a giggle and a light in their eyes, showing me how much of a joy he was in this world. I am grateful that my dad was a total nerd, hardworking, and passionate. I am grateful for his love of the world, crave for adventure, and his open-mind. I am grateful that every time I hear the song “Come on Eileen,” see a dandelion, or smell the scent of leather, my dad pops in my head. I am grateful that although my dad has been gone for over 11 years, I still have such a great sense of who he was and that my family incorporates him into life so often. I truly would not be the person I am today if it weren’t for my father, and for that I am grateful. But most of all, I am grateful for the man that my father was. He truly was one of the greatest people I have ever known, and I would consider myself lucky to be half of the person he was. Even though my dad is not here physically, he’s always with me. Almost every single day, I experience a moment where I just kind of know that he was right there with me, and once again, I am grateful. Happy Father’s Day to my dad. He’s always on my mind, I love him dearly, and miss him always.