In a recent prompt with my therapist, I learned that in order to start separating my healthy self from my eating disorder self, I have to actually work on viewing my eating disorder (ED) as another entity, one that is not separate from me, but one that is trying to work to harm and help me because it is another entity of myself. In what ways is ED trying to harm and help me? How is ED taking responsibility for what it does to my healthy self?

Eating disorders are about control and having that sense of control. While there are so many aspects of a person's life that are out of their hands, food, and the other aspects that are intertwined with an eating disorder are able to be controlled. It often comes down to food, how much or how little a person eats, what that person does once they decide to eat, what that person allows themselves to eat in any given day, and the behaviors he or she engages in before and afterward which are often taken as coping mechanisms at the moment. This can include but is not limited to body-checking or body avoiding (i.g. pinching one's skin or turning away from mirrors), obsessive-compulsive exercising, weighing oneself, wearing tight or baggy clothing, canceling plans after eating. The list is endless.

In light of recent events, when daily routines that have been set and ongoing for quite some time have suddenly changed, those that struggle with eating disorders may cling to the familiarity in what they know and therefore maintain or stick to behaviors and habits that maybe are not so healthy. However, this is coping for an individual nevertheless.

When classes switch from in-person to an online format, an internship that was treasured so much ends sooner than expected, major sources of coping mechanisms and support are stripped away such as in-person counseling sessions and going to the gym, money becomes an even bigger stressor, temporary layoffs decreased motivation, tensions are high, it's as if to say "OK, you were already struggling, now let's take away some of your coping mechanisms so you can spiral out of control even more."

This is when an individual falls back onto what they know and may slip back into old habits.

ED is helping you by thinking this sense of control in one area of your life will help you in the long run. However, ED loves to creep in when a person is least expecting it. Like a dark shadow casting over you, waiting for you to give in when you're at your most vulnerable place. Even though it may feel relieving to have a sense of control over what you eat or how much you eat for some time, especially during times of uncertainty and change, ED will ultimately create more havoc later on as it gains control over our healthier, stronger selves.

This weekend I will be participating in Rochester's very first virtual NEDA walk-in support and recognition of the survivors, victims, and families struggling with eating disorders. I am looking forward to coming together with so many incredible individuals in support of such a wonderful cause gaining access to more resources so that those in need can have better treatment. Please consider checking out the NEDA website for more information such as how to volunteer, support, or get information if you or somebody you know is in need.

This quarantine is taking a toll on every person's mental health. But, it is especially important to be mindful of those that have been struggling with the various mental health disorders and challenges prior to this situation.