We know them for their dashing smiles, noble steeds, and perfectly coifed hair. Like their royal female counterparts, Disney princes have set the metaphorical bar (or should I say scepter?) for the proper conduct of any aspiring debonair princeling, real or fictional. The framework for said "proper conduct" is fairly methodical in its structure, with young, devilishly handsome heroes bursting left and right into song and dance while simultaneously fighting off an evil something or other and winning the princess' heart. All while managing to look ridiculously photogenic, I might add. I have to hand it to the Disney writers—whatever magic they spin up when creating these ridiculously suave, kindred noblemen works.
Let's take a hot minute to look at some of the more notable parallels between these gallant royals.
1. Those three little words: True Love's Kiss.
2. They always win the final boss fight. Always. How else would they score the heart of their princess boo-thang?
3. They are, for the most part, just as charming as their princesses.
4. Capes. Even the Beast has one for crying out loud!
5. They all seem to possess the ability to woo a princess off her dainty feet with a dazzling choral number that they either rehearsed for hours beforehand or (like Broadway playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda) just made up on the spot.
What perfect guys, right? So talented and well dressed!
Except.
Perhaps it's my overall fatigue with uniformity in general (in this case, it’s very repetitive), or the fact that I relate to characters with more humanistic flaws since I may be able to ride a horse, but I’d be willing to bet all the money to my name (ahem, $10.11) that I can’t do it while juggling, slaying a 50 foot dragon, and looking like a Covergirl model with beautiful flowing hair. Either way, I hope that I speak for more than just myself when I say that when it comes to Disney princes (heck, when it comes to anything really—normal is boring, no?), I lean towards the ones who are a bit different. Divergent from their flawless equivalents.
So who do I mean exactly? Well here are a few Disney princes who don’t exactly follow the status quo.
Flynn Rider
1. I’m just going to side-step the obvious and point out that his real name is Eugene Fitzherbert. What damsel in their right mind is going to call that out when she needs to be rescued? (On second thought, it might give her enough time to escape while her assailant is rolling on the floor laughing.) Also his “dashingly handsome looks” had no effect on the princess.
2. He’s not suave. Not. Suave. At all.
3. Unlike a lot of the other goody goody princes, Eugene has a shady past. He was a hardcore thief, which ironically enough indirectly led him (and Rapunzel’s stolen crown) straight into the arms (hair) of his future wife. Pretty romantic, huh?
4. I’m pretty sure Eugene is one of the only Disney boys around who actually questions when freaky stuff hits the fan.
5. His "noble steed" hates him (and vice versa).
6. And finally, that boy has more sarcasm in his pinky finger than all the other orinces combined.
Ben Solo (aka Kylo Ren)
Surprised to see him on this list? Don’t be. As the son of General Princess Leia Organa, Ben is sorta-kinda actual royalty. So why is an emotionally unstable Hot Topic employee from a galaxy far far away on this list? Well… (major movie spoilers ahead)
1. For anyone who hasn’t seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Kylo Ren (the adoptive, albeit darker name Ben takes for himself) is a bit evil. Just a tad. As in, he orders an entire village to be slaughtered 5 minutes into the movie, watches blandly as a few entire planets are destroyed (just a few, though), tortures a few people, and much more (I hope you read that in an infomercial announcer's voice. If you didn’t go back and read it again)
2. He murders "daddy dearest", Han Solo. Enough said.
3. Unsurprisingly, he doesn’t win the heart of some wistful, wide-eyed princess… or anyone, for that matter (except for me, my best friend Sarah, and a legion of tumblr users…). In fact, I’m willing to bet that there probs won't be a love story in this Prince’s future anytime soon. He's a little too preoccupied with conflicting emotions, and following in grandpa Darth Vader's footsteps for that matter.
4. Also equally un-shocking is Kylo's lack of musical numbers (even Flynn and Hans attempt a song and dance here and there). I’m not gonna lie when I say I’d totally pay double to go see Sith Kylo Ren tap dance across the Star Destroyer singing a duet with General Hux while some storm troopers harmonized in the background… *cough cough* That was a hint Disney.
5. Uh, unlike a lot of Disney's male royalty, Kylo Ren doesn’t exactly have the regal, charismatic, charming disposition of a saint (he likes to throw some wildly princely temper tantrums)
(He does have a cape though…)
Hans of the Southern Isles
1. Possibly, if not the, most hated villain (because, yes, just like Kylo Ren, Prince Hans is an aspiring baddie) that I can think of in the Disney franchise. Sure he has great hair and flashy clothes like any other prince, but the guy is straight up vile. Like some unpleasant mystery meat in a high school cafeteria vile. No one wants any part of him. Not princesses (except for Anna for like half a movie), not Arendelle’s citizens—heck, even Hans' own brothers don’t really like him.
2. He has the whole “woo the princess through song and saving” thing backwards. In other words, he tried to kill Anna and Queen Elsa. Harsh much?
3. While most Disney princes are good at what they do, Hans is just about the worst “villain” I can think of. He’s a straight up, grade-A loser. Not only does he fail spectacularly at the end of "Frozen," but in the spin-off show, "Frozen Fever," he gets catapulted into a pile of horse manure. (Honestly, he should take notes from Kylo.)
(This gif gives me immense satisfaction.)
4. Instead of winning the girl and her kingdom, Hans tries to steal said girl’s birthright. So much for chivalry.
Tarzan
1. This guy is a prince alright (albeit adopted)—Prince of the Apes. Not to be confused with "Planet of the Apes" (too corny?).
2. He likes to dress down. A lot. Forgoing the pomp and snazz of princely protocol, Tarzan dazzles with a bare chest and a loin cloth.
3. With maybe only the Beast as an exception, no one matches Tarzan’s wild (definitely tangled) locks. He’s gotta have one permanent bedhead.
4. He’s bilingual (having learned both ape-speech and English), and one of the only princes to actually demonstrate this ability on screen.
5. Have you seen this guy move? Put him in a race with Prince Charming, Eric, Ferdinand (heck, even Aladdin), and they will eat his dust.
6. His subjects are animals. And not the figurative kind either.
Bonus!
Emperor Kuzco
While this guy isn’t exactly a Disney prince, he is a Disney male. And royalty. (And my favorite.) So that’s good enough for me.
1. He is one half selfish and the other half egotistical.
2. Cringeworthy athletic skills. I'd like to see him take on Maleficent as a dragon or giant Ursula.
3. For a good majority of his movie, Kuzco flops around as a whiny llama (he’s always whiny, though).
4. He crossdresses as Pacha's wife while he's a llama (tell me another prince who's done that). He did a pretty good job, too.
5. Kuzco's grooves like no other prince.
Even as a stinky llama.