A smiling baby giggles and plays on the floor of your living room. You sit on your couch and read the newspaper, happy and relaxed. You don’t even notice it when it enters the room. A hairy, carnivorous animal creeps silently up to the baby. A primal screech followed by the cries of the baby yank your attention from the newspaper. You intervene to protect your child, but now the beast turns its attention to you. Razor sharp claws and teeth dig painfully into your leg. You yell for help. Your girlfriend arrives, along with the family dog. Neither are a match for the attacker. You get everyone to retreat to the bathroom and you lock yourselves in: safe… for now.

What sort of monstrous beast could do something like this, you ask? The answer might surprise you. In March of 2014 a couple in Oregon called 911 because they had been trapped in their bathroom by their own housecat. Approximately 9,000 years ago cats were “domesticated.” Ever since then we have been inviting them into our homes and treating them like pets, but the cats have different plans. In Ancient Egypt, cats were revered and worshiped like gods. One might even go as far as to say that the cats ruled over humans. Now it seems as though they want that power back. Long have they waited for us to let our guard down so they could make their strike. While there are no exact statistics on the number of cats in the world, it is estimated that they vastly outnumber humans. When you couple that with the over 20 million agents already in place as housecats and the fact that each one has nine lives, it is clear that the odds are not in our favor.

Now, I’m sure some of you may be thinking, “Surely my little snowball would never rise up against me in an authoritarian coup,” but that is precisely what they want you to think. Over the years, cats have mastered the art of cuteness to gain our trust. I, however, am not fooled, for I have seen the evil that lies behind that soft fur and those little whiskers.

When I was 4 years old, I was visiting a friend who “owned” a cat. Being as young and naive as I was, I found myself fascinated by the cat. I remember following it into an empty room desiring to pet it. I must have, however, unknowingly interrupted some evil ritual, because when I entered the room with my arm outstretched, the cat leapt up and bit me on the hand. I began to cry. (This was before any of my combat training.) The mother of my friend rushed into the room and asked what happened. I described the vicious unprovoked attack, but she did not believe me. She said, “Buttons wouldn’t harm a fly,” as the little boy cat rubbed itself against her legs and purred. But I had proof. Surely, I thought, the bite mark on my hand could be matched to his teeth. I reached out my hand, but Buttons had been smart. He bit just lightly enough as to not puncture my skin. I was made a fool of. Later, my mother came to take me home, and as I left I saw Buttons the cat poke his head out the door and, lest my young eyes deceived me, wink. I never returned to that house and instead began my quest to expose the villainy of cats everywhere.

In the English language, the idiomatic phrase ‘cat got your tongue?’ is used when someone is quiet when they are expected to speak. Additionally, the French phrase ‘je jette ma langue au chat,’ or ‘I throw my tongue to the cat,’ is used to express that one has nothing to say. The origins of these two phrases are shrouded in mystery. In fact, no one knows exactly why these phrases exist, but I have a theory. In both sayings, the cat is the reason for someone’s silence. I believe this comes from our own subconscious knowledge that cats wish to oppress us.

Think about it: Has your cat ever lied down on a book you were trying to read or fallen asleep on your computer? They want to prevent us from learning and stifle our communication. Cats know that divided we are weak. They are nature’s perfect assassins. They have built-in night vision and concealable claws. Alan Beck, professor of veterinary medicine and director of the Center for the Human-Animal Bond at Purdue University, says that cats are “expert predators with adaptable hunting behaviors.” (Adaptable to humans!). So if you do not want to end up buried in a sandy grave, stay vigilant and arm yourself against the cat menace.

(No cats were harmed in the writing of this article.)

Sources: http://www.iflscience.com/plants-and-animals/genome-comparison-shows-how-wildcats-became-housecats