Well you guessed it. I’m not a journalist for the New York Times. I didn’t win a Pulitzer Prize for my excellence in breaking news reporting. I’m just another college girl that likes to read the news between classes because I am #educated. I’m sorry, but pretending not to know or genuinely now knowing what’s happening in the world is not cute. iPhones are made for more than just taking drunken Instagrams of you and your “squad.” Seriously, download a news app or just get on Safari. All rants aside, here’s my rundown of recent current events I’ve been closely following:

Iran Nuclear Deal

International affairs and diplomacy are not my areas of expertise, but here’s what I’ve gathered from this story. Iran has had crazy drama with nuclear weapons. Duh. Citizens weren’t safe, people around the world were scared, and basically the whole situation was a hot ass mess. So to combat this mess, the U.S. and others set up a deal with rules that essentially told Iran, “you gotta relax.” Well now everyone can chill TF out for now because Iran has essentially followed all the rules and everything is going as planned. Iran even released a Washington Post reporter that was in jail for over 500 days so thank God for that.

Rams Back to Los Angeles

If you know anything about football, you’d know the Rams used to be LA’s NFL team. Somewhere along the way the NFL decided that it’d be best to take the Rams out of America’s second largest city and put them in the much more quaint St. Louis. Well, the NFL has finally listened to the Rams and has brought the team back home to Southern California. While the crosstown rivalry of UCLA and USC will still be fun to watch, I’m excited to see an entire city come together and rally behind one team.

Playboy Mansion on Sale

Playboy has honestly become so irrelevant that when I saw this story I couldn’t have cared less. However, when I was reading about it I found this story to be a lot funnier than expected. Hugh Hefner, the owner, is trying to sell this house for $200 million dollars and anyone with the money can buy it. The catch: Hefner still gets to live there until he basically dies. So, yeah, you just bought this huge mansion... but you have to share it with an old man who’s pretty much a stranger.

El Chapo Drama

Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman is honestly bat sh*t crazy. He escaped prison back in July in the most theatrical way. Guzman was having a very good year until he was recently recaptured by Mexican forces. If this entire situation wasn’t exaggerated enough, Sean Penn somehow decided to take part in it, too. Penn met with Guzman all the way back in October and then did an article with Rolling Stone magazine where he describes the whole meeting. Turns out, Penn’s meeting with Guzman actually helped Mexican forces find Guzman. In conclusion, Guzman and his squad are pissed and Penn should literally watch his back because like I said, Guzman is bat sh*t crazy.

Flint Water Crisis

Flint is in Michigan. Michigan is surrounded by the freshwater Great Lakes. That being said, how TF is their iron and lead in the water? I guess a couple years ago the water supply used to come from the beautiful and amazing Lake Huron, but to save money the state decided to get water from the less-than-fresh Flint River. I’m all about saving money, but seriously? Get your sh*t together, Michigan. This is not cute.

Death of David Bowie and Alan Rickman

I’ve never listened to David Bowie’s music, but I appreciate a bad bitch when I see one. Bowie was fabulous as hell and it’s honestly the end of an era. Speaking of eras, the Potterheads of the world all wept upon hearing about Alan Rickman’s death. Rickman’s career was defined by much more than his Snape character, but my generation will never forget the impact he had on us. He is forever the Slytherin that died like a Gryffindor.

Trump vs. Cruz

The GOP is a circus right now. Obviously. The only real contenders, as of recently, are the colorful Donald Trump and Ted Cruz. I honestly don’t care too read too deeply into the feud between these two, and all I know is that Trump keeps reminding voters that Cruz was born in Canada. Also recently, Trump told reporters that Cruz is a “very nasty guy.” I’m sorry, but that is the weakest insult I’ve ever heard. I expected more from you, Donald. Guess I'll just have to wait for the drama that will inevitably unfold between these two at the upcoming Iowa caucus.