Who in the world do you think you are?

What's your last name? What is your family like? What kind of activities do you participate in? How many close friends do you have? What do you do in your free time?

We tend to base "who we are" on all of these questions. The outward appearance that other people see is where we go first when asked who we are. Those are where we find our insecurities also though. All of the things that we hate about ourselves we find in comparison to others and how our outward appearance looks in relation to theirs. That, my friends, is my kryptonite. I get bored, so I look at other people, which makes me see all of their strengths, which causes me to compare myself and see all of my weaknesses, which spirals out of control into this cycle where all of my insecurities sit and boil until they have to explode in an unhealthy way.

I have spent the past three weeks doing a summer job where we travel to different camps. But, let me back up a little first because before my summer was this, I was doing nothing but working and sleeping, which caused me to get bored, which then led to social media, which then led to comparison and well, you can guess what comes after that. So, I started this job revolving myself around what other people were doing and how cool they were traveling and getting up early every morning, drinking their healthy smoothies, going to work out, and not stopping until bedtime. If you know me well, you know I love to sleep. So, there goes one of the first categories of comparison and insecurity because I love to sleep and because you sleep a lot means you're lazy, right?

So, my team and I go to our first camp. It is incredible except a lot of it is based on physical activity and relationship building through competing in all of these outside sports. Well, once again, if you know me well, although I love to workout and I also love to be outside, when you put those two together and turn it into running around with a ball under the hot sun with the pasty skin and a low tolerance for heat, it does not turn out to be very fun. Which is why I have never competed on a sports team, while the other three people on my team have, which once again leads to comparison and insecurity and thinking that I am not as good as them at this whole relationship building/camp counseling thing. In fact, I suck and I may as well go sit in the car, away from everyone, and call my parents crying my eyes out. There is nothing I am good at and the discouragement and pressure on myself to be "perfect" and a "kingdom worker" who does not need to rest or take antidepressants in order to be the best I can be is on. So, it not only becomes a competition with the other people on my team but also with myself and we all know that I do not have a competitive bone in my body, therefore, once again the insecurities are just going to sit and boil until they need to explode.

So, here I am, sitting on my back porch after taking a long nap (which once again makes me lazy, right?) and feeling like the insecurities have taken over my soul. I feel broken, ugly, disgusting, unworthy, gross, useless, incompetent, depressed. Like if I was to cut my arm and let the blood run out until my heart quits beating, I would leave the world with nothing more than just a room with designs on the wall and an extra car that my parents could really use for themselves. Less money is spent on me, and there is one less person who needs to be needed, so I am helping the world by leaving it, right?

Who in the world do you think you are, SarahAnn? Insecure and discouraged. Someone who sleeps a lot, gets sunburnt easily, hates sports, can't stand being hot, and compares herself to everyone and everything.

Recently, I read a devotional on the Bible app called, "The New Testament On Purpose" and I want to share with you what God put in front of me when I was in tears, wondering why on earth I am here:

"If you're reading this, I wholeheartedly believe you are one of the few set aside for a 'special purpose.' How do I know that? Because the ones who were destined for common use never bother desiring more. They settle. They sit on the shelves, blend in, and perform whatever task has been assigned to them. Sometimes their comfortable and safe existence can look mighty attractive to us – the wanderers. The ones who want more. The ones who don't quite fit in. But don't forget, unique shapes fulfill unique purposes. A planting pot can be very large. It can hold a huge plant along with gallons of water. Another vessel, like a drinking cup, may only be able to hold a small amount of water. Finally, a tiny container, like a medicine case, may be very small and only able to hold a small amount – but what it was designed to hold is life-saving. Shape, size, color – none of these determine the value of the vessel. It's what's inside that matters. God may have given you a shape or size or color you're uncomfortable with. But it's exactly the vessel He needs to hold the special purpose He has for you."

I am here to tell you that I understand, which I know is something you need to hear because I need to hear it too. You may seem cool, calm, collected, and confident on the outside, but your insecurities and lack of self-esteem feel like it could turn you into a corpse at any given moment. It is okay that you are not good at math because that means you are gifted with something else that the Lord needs in this world. It is totally fine that you are not competitive or good at sports because maybe that means you are great at art and, without it, the world would not be as beautiful. So what, your body is a little bigger and more muscular than others? You can do the heavy-lifting when other people cannot. If you are Caucasian, your skin may not be tan, but that means that it has a beautiful pinkish-white tint to it, which represents health and purity.

"Who in the world do you think you are to second-guess God? Do you for one moment suppose any of us knows enough to call God into question? Clay doesn't talk back to the fingers that mold it, saying, 'Why did you shape me like this?' Isn't it obvious that a potter has a perfect right to shape one lump of clay into a vase for holding flowers and another into a pot for cooking beans? If God needs one style of pottery especially designed to show his angry displeasure and another style carefully crafted to show his glorious goodness, isn't that all right? Either or both happens to Jews, but it also happens to the other people. Hosea put it well: I'll call nobodies and make them somebodies; I'll call the unloved and make them beloved."- Romans 9:20-25

Once again, who in the world do you think you are? You are someone who has been put on this earth to fulfill a purpose that only you can fill. You have gifts. You have beauty. You are unique, and without you, the world would have one less piece that fits the puzzle called life. My prayer for you is that the ugliness you feel turns into the beauty that can only come from the Lord. The feelings of being overweight turn into you looking in the mirror and seeing beautiful curves that only women can have. The lack of loving sports turns into the love of sharing the beauty of art, that only some very special people are gifted with. That one subject that you are just simply not good at turns into excelling at something else. Every last little piece of all of your insecurities turns into seeing yourself the way God sees you - beautiful, worthy, one-of-a-kind, special, talented, excellent, gifted, strong, significant, loved.

"You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you."

- Song of Solomon 4:7