For college students, the most important things in life are food, naps, and coffee. Coffee is arguably at the top of that list. It’s an essential survival tool for late night essays and 8 a.m. classes, and without it, a lot of us would be asleep right now. So prepare to have your java read, as I give you coffee orders by major.

• Theatre Major

Theatre majors never sleep, and if they do, they are reciting Shakespeare in their dreams. To accommodate for long rehearsals, endless auditions, and studying lines, they drink their coffee black. They don’t have time for sugar, and their coffee might as well match their outfits.

• Dance Major

Dance majors like all the glitz and glam that the stage has to offer, but forget about fat or real dairy. An iced coffee with almond milk will do. But only in the smallest cup.

• Business Major

Business majors are all business, so they like their coffee with extra shots of espresso. They aren’t here to mess around, and those extra boosts of energy are all they need to stay focused on the task at hand.

• Communication Major

Communication majors need something delicious to sip on so they can pretend like they’re enjoying talking to people, when it’s actually their coffee doing all the work. Therefore, they drink seasonal Frappuccinos, topped with all the whipped cream and caramel drizzles they can handle.

• Criminal Justice Major

Criminal Justice Majors don’t order coffee. They make their own, because no one can be trusted mixing their cream and sugar. They also only use sugar in the raw, because aspartame is just down right criminal.

• Music Major

Music Majors drink lattes, and in ceramic tea cups when they’re not on the go, because they need to prove that they’re fancy and make a living in coffee shops.

• Nursing Major

Nursing Majors drink an elixir of what can only be described as pure energy. They order their coffee black with two shots of espresso, then dump in a handful of sugar and half a cup of creamer. After all, it’s others’ lives their saving, right?

• English Major

English Majors drink whatever they can’t pronounce on the menu. Café Au Lait? Antocinno? They’ll take it, classic novel in hand.

• Science Major

Science Majors have their coffee down to a science. Like Criminal Justice Majors, they make their own, except coffee in the field of science is an opportunity for experimentation. They home-make cold brews, each time testing variables that could affect the taste overnight, and in the morning they head off to the labs.

• Math Major

Math majors hold up the line at Alvin’s with their coffee orders. There must be precisely 6 ounces of coffee in their cup, mixed with 6 ounces of steamed milk, 2 teaspoons of sugar, and 1/2 a teaspoon of vanilla. Then, they have to check the price on their ticket, because they know when a number is off.

• History Major

History Majors don’t drink coffee, they chew it. In the year 850, an Ethiopian herdsman witnessed his goat enjoying the taste of what came to be known as the coffee bean, so he chewed it himself and spread the word. Only a true historian would know such a thing, and follow the dietary habits of a man from 850.

• Psychology Major

Did you know that caffeine in conjunction with the supplement L-Theanine is great for enhancing cognitive function? Well psychology majors certainly know this, so they take their coffee with supplements. If not, they drink two cups of green tea after coffee to make up for lost brain power.

• Religion Major

Religion majors do not discriminate against any types of coffee. They will order something new on any given day, because every cup of coffee is worth trying.

• Art Major

Art Majors only order from the most hipster coffee shops and they only take latte art. Their coffee must be a physical representation of their love for Vincent Van Gogh, and the venue must be an art gallery in and of itself.

So there you have it, coffee orders by major here at OCU. Now go get yourself a cup of joe.