Last week, College of Charleston’s Student Health Services was named the top medical facility in the Lowcountry, knocking out previously top-ranked hospital and medical university MUSC, located down the street from the College of Charleston campus. The new ranking also beat the well-known website WebMD, as well as the Jimmy John’s on George Street.

“We couldn’t believe the news when we first heard it,” said Donna McLane, one of the Physicians Assistants at College of Charleston's Student Health Services. “No, really. We didn’t believe it. We are very excited about this honor, though, and hope to keep up the semi-okay work we are doing.”

Student Trevor Erikson, 19, was also surprised by the top-ranking health services received. “I had to wait 45 minutes in the waiting room just for somebody to tell me I wasn’t sick. I came back two days later, feeling much worse when they finally told me that it was just a cold. However, I later found out I had pneumonia. So that was pretty unfortunate,” Erikson explained. “They did send in my absence memo the third time I asked them to do it, though.”

McKayla Johnson, 18, was also surprised when she heard the news. “The last time I was in the health services office, it was for a foot injury. When I told them about it, they asked if I could potentially be pregnant. They then asked me if I would like to try a new form of contraception. I walked out with a new prescription for birth control, but nothing for my foot injury,” Johnson recalled.

McLane explained that part of their success has to do with how accessible they are to students. “When students call us to schedule an appointment, we give them a time that never works with their schedule. We also keep them on the line for a long time to make them even more aggravated. I think this helps teach them about patience in the long run as well.”

Student Brooke Lawinski, 21, recently visited Student Health Services after she was bitten by a cat, where her hand then swelled up 10 times its normal size. “I went in, hoping they would give me some antibiotics for the clearly infected hand I had. Instead, the lady suggested I visit a specialist somewhere else because there was a possibility I would need to amputate my hand. Turns out all I really needed were the damn antibiotics,” said Lawinski.

Looking towards the future of Student Health Services, McLane thinks there is nowhere to go but up. “Even though we are now ranked the top medical facility in Charleston, I always believe there is room for improvement. For example, I think we can learn how to properly diagnose a cold after the first three visits instead of just the first four. Or, we can try to implement a way where we can see students without as long of a wait in the lobby. However, these are just some long term goals that we won’t be seeing for a very long time. I mean a very, very, long time. We are already the number one facility, why rush perfection?”

Student Health Services plans on seeing students throughout the summer. However, the wait time is expected to now be much longer due to the fact that no students will be on campus.

This article is meant to be satirical in nature.