Ah the dating scene, a confusing spectacle that makes you both fearful and excited in a way that only matches your temperament on something like the first day of kindergarten. And the cause of all the confusion, the excitement, and the fear? Boys. Whoever said all boys are the same was clueless and deranged. They come in all different shapes and sizes, and you have most likely dated a few of those characters.
1. The Frat Attack
This guy is all about the brotherhood-- and his Chubbies collection. He takes his ritual, and his obsession with ridiculously cheap beer, seriously. He probably loves his brothers more than he loves you, and every time he brings them up you want to reach out and choke him with his Vinyard Vines crokies.
Things didn’t work out, most likely because he took an exec position and between that, and all the date functions he wanted to go to with other girls, he just didn’t have time for a girlfriend.
2. The Sports Fanatic
Talk sporty to me baby! This dude is totally obsessed with sports. He wears his Cavaliers jersey with Lebron’s name on his back like he’s his b*tch. He probably has ESPN playing in the background while you are making out, and he’s checking the score in the bathroom at dinner. The last time he cried isn’t because you didn’t say “I love you” back, it’s because the Yankees lost last Friday.
You guys probably broke up because “his night was ruined” every time his team lost and he was a total jerk to you—and because you couldn’t stand to watch another minute of Sports Center.
3. The Guy Who Wants To Date You After The Very First Date
This bro becomes immediately enthralled with the idea of having you as his little spoon. He is a sweetheart—in a way that totally freaks you out and makes you wonder if he took a lock of your hair home from dinner. After knowing you for a solid 24 hours he thinks you all are dating and whether you like it or not, according to what he’s told his friends, you are.
You guys made it to the alter only in his head, in reality you were totally freaked out and told him he was such a sweet guy, but y’all should just be friends.
4. The Guy Who Won’t Date You After The 100th Date
You guys have been “hanging out” forever. People are shocked you all are “still a thing”. The only time you get a call from him is around 2 am. Every time you try to have the “what are we” conversation he says he “loves spending time with you”. There are so many “phrases” and “labels”, you find yourself very “confused”.
You guys never got serious because… well… you really don’t know. Why did he say anything to you? Did he mention me or something?!
5. The Gym Rat
This meat head has more gym selfies than pictures of you on his Instagram. His biceps are big, but his ego is bigger. Every conversation revolves around what he ate that day and what his new max is. His favorite phrases are “the grind” and “fitspiration”.
It didn’t work out because of his obsession with the workout. He got you a gym membership for your birthday and got mad when you hung out with Ben and Jerry. You told him you were going for a jog and never came back.
6. The Sweet-Heart
This guy is perfect, but perfectly wrong for you. He says all the right things and never leaves a door unopened for you. He always texts back within a reasonable amount of time, but with something perfectly boring. He kind of just stares at you when you make an inappropriate joke and you find yourself constantly yawning at dinner.
You guys broke up because you were bored. No really, that’s it.
7. The Project
You date this guy when you really haven’t seen any action in a while. He seems nice and kinda cute, but there’s usually one fatal flaw, or a couple, that makes him available at your most desperate hour and completely undateable. You go out with him in hopes that you can transform him into the perfect guy.
You guys last three weeks and then you give up. A year later you see him in Barns and Noble with his beautiful Fiancé, Olivia, getting a book to read on the flight to Bora Bora. He ended up getting his act together and making a fortune. Guess Oliva was a better fixer upper than you. Damn Olivia!
8. The Funny Guy
This guy is a riot. Everything about this guy seemed perfect because he always made you laugh. Every where you went, he was the life of the party and you loved every second of it.
Things ended because he couldn't take anything seriously. Everything would be turned into a joke and suddenly his jokes weren't that funny anymore.
9. The Sexy Guy
This slice of heaven must have been chizzled by Zeus himself. Wow! He's so hot it took 2 months for you to realize how entirely boring he is. Really, all he has is his looks, and there's not much going on up there if ya know what I mean. He takes forever to text you back, probably because it takes him a while to sound out all the words. But seriously this guy could turn you on eating a calzone.
You guys never fell in head-over-heels love because he was too much of a player. He probably flirted with your bestie, and made out with that "total sloot" at the bar. There wasn't enough chemistry anyways-- so bye!
10. The Guy In Your Major
This is the guy that you always stare at in your classes and one day you caught him staring back. Your hang outs mostly consisted of studying together....and that's about it. He was there at a very convenient time and probably just the only hot guy in your major. He became more attractive as time went on and you realized everyone in your major is ugly.
Things ended probably in a very weird way and you avoid eye contact at all costs when going to class. At the beginning of each semester you check the class roster of all of your classes hoping he's not in any of your same classes.
11. The One
This creature is kind of like big foot. He's been spotted before, but I'm still pretty skeptical if he actually exists. He's cute, responsible, hilarious, likes sports, but not too much, goes to the gym a reasonable amount of times during the week, and most importantly, he likes you back.
If you find him, all the weird, awkward, games will hopefully be worth it. If not order a pizza and hunker down, you may have a few more characters left!