Who doesn't love candy? We all have that sweet tooth that commands our every movement and controls our very decision making process. The importance of the sweet tooth in human development and evolution is blatantly obvious. Regardless of your stance on the myth of evolution, one could almost trace the sweet tooth back to when we first crawled out of the sea on our slimy fish legs looking for a sweet, sweet treat to nibble upon. But to think of candy just as a food and not the embodiment of a greater power, or lesser for most cases, would be criminally wrong. Here are some of our favorite candies as some of the worst/best people.

1. Dots.

Launched in 1945, the Dots candy has proven that old age does not mean quality as they have given us 71 years of leaving a bad taste in our mouths. While the human counterpart to this candy is a tad older, he has undoubtedly left worse tastes in an equal number of peoples' mouths. That is why if is Dots were a person, they would be Hugh Hefner.

2. Mike & Ikes.

Their name says it all. These candies are only appealing to those named Mike and those named Ike. Perhaps the most famous occurrence of the company trying to win over the hearts and minds of the public was the famous 1952 "I Like Ike" movement. It was so successful that it ultimately led to Dwight D. Eisenhower's famously successful presidential campaign based off of the public's love of the name Ike. Of course, the honeymoon period ended shortly after Eisenhower's election and the Mike & Ike brand largely fell out of favor with the public. That's why the person most likely to be a Mike & Ike is none other than Dwight D. Eisenhower himself.

3. Milk Duds.

I'm going to be honest here, I've never eaten a Milk Dud. I have only smelled them. But the people have spoken, and Milk Duds are the twenty-second most popular candy this side of the Mississippi. Milk Duds are known for their coating of chocolate with a caramel malt center. Having only ever smelled these candies, though, the most concise comparison I can draw to Milk Duds is that guy who sleeps outside of the bus station on 53rd and has his way with the real estate magazine stands.

4. Valentine's Day Hearts.

If you don't love Valentine's Day, you're so wrong. Or single. Perhaps the only thing more symbolic of Valentine's Day than Cupid and his arrow of painful love is the iconic NECCO Sweetheart candy. With messages of love and lust written upon their sugary surfaces, they not only appeal to elementary school children having Valentine's Day parties in class, but also to grown adults seeking that swift kick of nostalgia right to the heart. That's why if NECCO Sweethearts were a person they would be every single member of the Brady family from the "Brady Bunch."

5. Chewing Gum.

Most people will read this and say "Hey, Sedgwick, chewing gum isn't a candy!", and those people are the worst people. You do not need those people in your life. If you are one of those people, you need to take a look deep down inside and find what is making you say such vile, atrocious things. If you don't speed down the highway with the windows down and a cool stick of doublemint in your mouth, what are you doing? You're speeding down the highway with the windows down without a cool stick of doublemint in your mouth is what you're doing. That's not cool. Chewing gum is cool. And you know who is as cool as doublemint chewing gum? Clint Eastwood. Enough said.

6. Cadbury Creme Egg.

I'm sure anyone who grew up celebrating Easter, or even those who didn't celebrate Easter but lived on the same day that Easter occurs, has seen or indulged in a Cadbury Creme Egg. The part that I have never understood, though, is why such a rich and sinful treat is one of the main candies served on Easter. My church, like many others I assume, did not condone the indulgence of Cadbury Creme Eggs. This only made their sweet, sweet eggy juices that much sweeter. With that said, if Cadbury Creme Eggs were a person they would be the snake from the story of Adam and Eve.

7. Kit Kats.

Real quick, though, I was raised on Kit-Kats. I would eat a range of anywhere between 0 to 2 Kit Kats per month between the ages of 11 to 13. My all-time favorite candy. I'm sure they were/are a vast majority of people's favorite eat-when-I'm-yearning candies. No other candy brings about the same level of immense satisfaction as breaking apart those super-gold-bar-shaped-ass-bars and plopping one on your tongue to let melt in your mouth down to the wafer and spitting the wafer out like a wrought-iron cannonball from a super-sized 20th-century post-war artillery installation. Given how Kit Kat is spelled, the only reasonable choice for the person who most resembles it would be Spider-Man.

8. Circus Peanuts.

These suck. So bad. I've never eaten one that I liked. I do, however, eat every single one that I come across to just to make sure that I don't like it, though. Do I know that I hate them? Yes. Do I understand that I hate them, though? Not at all, and we all know who is to blame for that. If Circus Peanuts were a person they would be any Young Thug song on repeat.

9. Jelly Beans.

Jelly Beans are Jennifer Lawrence.

10. Candy Corn.

It's Halloween. Happy Halloween. You know what Halloween means. Halloween is for tricking and for treating. But Halloween is also the only time it is acceptable to eat and/or enjoy candy corn. Candy corn, with its three sections of waxy confection, has long been a staple in the lexicon of Halloween candy. The problem with candy corn, though, is its relative size compared to real corn and other Halloween candies. Coming in at about three times the size of a real corn kernel, candy corn is not a facsimile of corn and should not be treated as such on Halloween. If you don't believe me, go glue a satchel of candy corn to a paper towel roll and feed it to your pigs and get back to me. But be warned, they might think it's a Halloween trick. And if George Orwell has shown us anything, it is that animals are not capable enough to establish a Communist government. Candy corn is Grigori Rasputin.

11. Nik-L-Nip Wax Bottles.

Hey man, I love the juice as much as the next guy, but I will never understand how everyone loves Wax Bottles. Maybe it's the texture that gets me. While this is a very subjective opinion piece (as most of these articles are) something has to be said for how awful wax tastes. Who thought this was a good idea? "Yeah, let's put our juice in wax, everyone loves eating wax!" - Mr. Nik-L-Nip, 1905. Oh, that's who. Whenever these candies somehow make their way into my possession, I have to donate them or else risk becoming violently ill for a week while the softball sized wad of wax passes through my digestive tract. They make me sick, but some people love them, which is why they would be "Star Wars" Episodes I-III if they were a person.

The sweet tooth has gotten us this far in our journey from monkey to man (supposedly), and you would be lying if you said you weren't excited to see where the sweet tooth takes us next on our galactic journey on a rock hurling through the vast reaches space at excesses of 1,000 miles per hour until we ultimately all perish and nothing is left of our legacy, and this planet we call home falls into the sun and disintegrates with the force of a hundred thousand incinerators.