The snow has melted, your finals are over and the seasonal section at Target is filled with beach balls and visors. It's finally summer. Too bad you are sad, lonely and broke.
You needn't worry though. Here are a few fun, thrifty activities you can do without stepping foot into the scary, disappointing and expensive world.
1. Call your mom and ask for money.
You might be sad, lonely and broke now, but you are only a phone call away from being sad, lonely and not as broke! Just give mumsie a ring, tell her your air conditioner is broken and wait for your check. For extra money, add tears.
2. Vacuum your winter sweaters in SpaceBags.
Out with the old, in with the new. Suck the air out of those festive knits, and make room for your Chubbies and Norts. Squish your Seasonal Affective Disorder into a bag, and hide it in your closet. You won't need him till November.
3. Gaze out your window and fantasize about all the fun you could be having.
Too old for sprinklers and lightning bugs. Too poor for music festivals and rooftop bars. Too lonely for barbecues and ultimate frisbee. Hopefully mom's check comes soon.
4. Get naked and take a nap.
Are the pressures of body insecurity and social anxiety getting in the way of your nude beach fun? Don't want to see naked old men jangle their junk? Open the window, drop your drawers and have your own relaxing nude beach right in your own bed.
5. Do some online shopping.
"But Jacob, I haven't gotten my check from my mom yet!" That's why they created the Amazon Wishlist. It's just like regular shopping, except you don't get the thing.
6. Make friends with your bed bugs.
Stop lying to yourself. You know they are there. Might as well get along. They're actually pretty cool once you get to know them.
7. Refill your ice cube trays.
How can you expect to bring back the Ice Bucket Challenge without any ice?! It's time to raise some awareness! For what? Who cares!
8. Make a profile on a Sugar Daddy (or Mamma) website.
Lonely and broke? Kill two birds with one stone. Here's the link.
9. Collect all your shopping bags and put them into one master bag.
Sorry Katy Perry, my bags are staying right here. Trash can liners, wet swimsuit holders, toothbrush protectors, even luggage. Waste not, want not. Remember, we're broke.
10. Cry.
Having fun yet? HA, me neither.