I don't expect this to become the next big thing on the internet, between different YouTubers, celebrities, athletes, etc. coming out. Thankfully, in today's changing society it's becoming more visible, with the much-needed activism of the newer and upcoming generations. I don't expect this to be some major travesty with my friends that I have on Facebook, Instagram, or Tumblr because I'm already very, very much out on my social media platforms to everyone. I don't even expect this to effect my jobs currently, being an LGBT* Pride Resource Center Intern or an LGBT* Peer Educator. I'm even out at my other job as well, knowing many of co-workers are allies or are part of the community, too. Really, I don't expect this to really blow up in my face at all much.

But if by the rule of whatever deity is up there watching me squirm as I type this, Mom, if you're reading this, I'm so sorry so many others found out before you. I'm sorry that I can be comfortable everywhere else but home, because I don't know what could happen. It's not that you, or Dad wouldn't accept me, but it is that every time I try to, the words choke up in my mouth and I have nothing but blood from biting my tongue too hard. I'm sorry that there is a part of me that I don't think you know about, despite you always having a third eye in the back of your head. I'm sorry because you've always given me so much strength to do what I want in my life and to always succeed, and I've just been terrified of this moment.

I'm mostly sorry because you're my best friend and I don't know what I'd do without you.

Mom, I'm pansexual and genderfluid... and yes, my boyfriend knows.

I don't think it has ever been a surprise to you that I've always just loved people for who they are. You've always said that I make friends with everyone no matter where I go. It shouldn't be a surprise that despite having a boyfriend, whom I love very dearly, it doesn't mean that I singuarily like men, I just like and love the person for who they are, female, transgender, non-binary, etc.

As for my gender identity, you've asked me several times now within the past two-ish years if I wanted to be a guy, and I only laughed and told you, "No," very sheepishly. I then proceeded to run into my room to avoid the conversation. I'm not sure what you know anymore to be honest. Seeing as all I would play with when I was younger was either a mix of Hot Wheels, Dinosaurs, Barbies, and Polly Pockets, for the most part, mostly running over the dolls with the cars or having them being eaten. I know that I've always been this way, one day feeling more feminine than masculine or vice versa, or feeling both or neither. Thankfully you've never cared what clothes I wear or how I presented myself, always thinking I was just "a cool kid," (by the way, I never got what you meant by that). It's not that I "want" to be a boy, it's just that I range from feeling and being female, male, neither, or something in between. I would never ask you to stop calling me your daughter, but just to embrace all of me.

I wanted to find the right time, and whether that is right now or not, sometimes you just have to do it, however I'm not sure what to say to Dad yet, but that time will come.

The funny thing about all of this is the fact that you never paid mind to if any of my friends were part of the LGBT* community. It's been about a couple weeks now since our last conversation on the phone about it, being that you didn't care that one of my new friends is transgender.

"Sam, they could be purple with yellow spots, I don't care! I just want to see pictures of their horses!"
- Mom 2K15

What proceeded from that sentence is what is really prompting me to write this article,

"You could tell me tomorrow that you are gay Sam, and I would say 'Okay? So? What else do you want for dinner this weekend?"

I know it's a lot to take in and you may have questions, but hey, that's my job honestly. I'll never forget the day you came in and we talked about safe sex and you got to see me as me. I wish I could have told you then or earlier.

Remember last year when you came to my school's drag show? You had so many questions on who was a guy, girl, and who was in between. I was so happy to share that moment with you, after organizing the whole show. I'm glad we got the moment to speak about it then, and I hope you want to share more moments like that with me.

Lastly, remember I totally urged you to watch Orange is the New Black? Yea, there was a reason for that. That Ruby Rose scene, I know you rewound it Mom, don't even lie, because I did too.

Mom, I'm not exactly gay, and while sometimes I'm your daughter, son, child, whatever, I'm always yours, and I love you.

Also, can we have pizza next weekend?