It's 7:30. The party doesn't start until 9:00, and even then, it doesn't pick up until around 9:30. The ideal time to make my entrance is 9:45; just close enough to make an entrance, but not so close that nobody is going to see. These thoughts drift in and out of my subconscious as I apply the first layer of foundation onto my face. So continues the dance I’ve come to do every third weekend. The make-up goes on, and my identity melts away as I drift from Dan to Xxxavier Cienfuegos, my drag persona. She is androgynous, rude; she licks beer off the sidewalk. She is punk rock and spook glamour all in one. She is the queen.
I’m finishing up my smoky eye when a guy walks in. “Dan are you—“ his voice catches, “—uhhh…I don’t understand.” He turns on his heels and walks away. Oh, I forgot to mention, this little make-up scene? It’s in the main bathroom of the Alpha Theta chapter of Tau Kappa Epsilon, the place I’ve come to call home. Reconciling the identity of drag queen and fraternity member has been a challenge to say the least. I’m not ashamed to say that I frequent apps the likes of grindr and scruff; the most frequently asked question: do your brothers know you’re gay? They do. They also know that I’m a drag queen. And no, before you ask like the rest of them, I haven’t slept with any of them. And even if I had, I’d never tell.
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When I came to college, I had no intention of going Greek. I had no intention of even associating myself with members of Greek organizations. Oh, I though to myself, you mean the Greek Life that’s all about drinking and partying? Not for me. It wasn’t until rush that I considered it. I am a gay theater major; I have no business in a fraternity, let alone being a member of one. Yet here I am. An active member of the Alpha Theta chapter of Tau Kappa Epsilon casually applying lashes, nails, and a glitter-beard. These men are a never-ending stream of pleasant surprises. Never once have I felt like a minority due to my race, sexual orientation, drag, or socio-economic status.
My drag persona has influenced my own self-perception as well. I respect myself more, mainly because Xxxavier demands that same kind of respect. I can look in the mirror and recognize myself as someone who is attractive and desirable; that’s not ego or vanity talking, that’s legitimate confidence that drag has helped to instill in my usually-judgmental hyper-critical self-perception. Somehow, along the way, my membership in a fraternity has also instilled that same confidence.
After receiving my bid, just before I officially pledged, I had to walk from my room in my residence hall to the front door of the house. Being bullied in high school (are we surprised?), my tormentors were made up of mostly athletic, varsity sportsball dudes with too much money and not enough tact; my anxiety spiked when I walked to the house. My subconscious planned an escape route. My breathing sped up. “I’m going TKE” I shout; eighty-nine men, a full chorus, roar back at me cheers of celebration. All anxiety fades away like a handful of forgotten smoke, and I am filled with a sense of impending adventure. In the months to come, these men will come to be some of my closest friends, my most trustworthy confidantes, and my brothers. But enough about fond memories, I have lipstick to apply.
I roll the marble of this memory in the metaphorical hand of my mind’s eye. This place is where I belong. This campus, this house, these men; they are my home, my unexpected surprise. My transformation complete, Xxxavier Cienfuegos stares back at me in the mirror; tonight is her moment. And the best thing about that moment? I get to experience as both a fraternity member and a queen.
I suppose the entirety of this story can be summed up quite simply: With the second week of rush coming up, even if you're not sure about Greek Life, give it a shot; you might be pleasantly surprised and stumble upon an incredible group of people. I know I did. Now if you don't mind, I have a life to go lip-sync for. Byeeeeeeeee.
