We've almost all experienced it: the loss of a family member, the loss of a friend, the loss of a love. Whether it is a sudden thing, or something that you knew was coming. We know how sharp the knife of sadness feels in that moment. Some people have been fortunate enough not to experience this to a great extent, while others know the feeling all too well. We go through the motions when it comes to the grieving process, but grief isn't something that lasts for the short frame of time surrounding the funeral. It sticks with you for years. It sticks with you for the rest of your life. It doesn't necessarily get better; you just learn how to cope.
The days pass. Then the days turn into months and those transform into years. Life doesn't stop when you're missing those you've lost. You still have to get up and go to work, go to class, and completely function like normal. But nothing ever prepares you for the way grief can sneak up on you and pull you back into its strong arms. Nothing ever tells you how to save yourself from it.
Things trigger it: pictures, stories, the date on the calendar. On a bad day, it's the simple mention of their name.
2 years later.
It's when you go through an old notebook and find a picture of them and it somehow captures their entire personality on a little 8x4 piece of paper. You laugh about it, because maybe they're making their signature funny face, or they're wearing the Spongebob pajama pants that they refused to get rid of. But somehow, that laugh forms into tears, and you have to let the sobs run their course.
3 years later.
It's when you have a breakdown in the middle of your hallway with dozens of old pictures surrounding you, because you still can't find a picture with them. For some reason, your mind needed that reassurance that day. Maybe later, you drunkenly cry about it. In the morning, your friend will laugh about how funny and pointless it is, and you laugh along. Sometimes people don't quite understand what the little reminders mean. You keep looking for pictures.
4 years later.
It's when nostalgia is the absolute worst. You think about the day you found out, and you feel it all over again. The heartbreak comes back and you can feel it completely, crack by crack. In times like this you just need to have that cry. You have to let it out. Get under some blankets, snuggle some pillows, and let the sadness run its course again.
Any time.
You're just having a bad day. It's not a crying day and it's not a breakdown day. It's a day when no matter how much you run, the dark cloud over your head goes with you. You have to just keep going. Sometimes hugs help. Sometimes you need to visit the grave and touch the stone, because it calms you. This is something you need to figure out for yourself. Find something that calms your anxiety and makes you feel close.
There's no getting over a loss. There is, however, a point you have to reach of acceptance. Some people don't even get there. You need to accept the loss and accept the sadness that goes along with it, but it sticks with you. It feels like it might suffocate and kill you, but it'll only do that if you let it.
Maybe it's best to focus on a different aspect of your loss. Yes, you lost a person with such significance to your life and who you are, but I don't think that's where the pain comes from. It comes from the unspoken words we forgot to say and the moments that will never happen. But I think we often miss the biggest part. It's such an amazingly heartbreaking thing to have someone so incredible in your life that makes a permanent goodbye trigger so many tears.
