If you haven't noticed, each film I write about is older than the last, and in a month I'll be taking a look at one of the world's most famous cave drawings! In any case, I've traveled many deserts and spent many minutes wandering the Netflicks for a film desperate for a good whoopin'. But both times when I thought I found the golden prey, they turned out to be adorable fat cats sipping their food through straws. And my thirst went from kitten insides to the mashed cat food they feasted upon.

But a peculiar thought struck me while I traversed the barren wasteland of "Because you watched: 'Tyler Perry's The Single Mom's Club'." I realized that I had been looking in the wrong place. The two bad films I found were actually good, and if logic had to take a day off, that meant if I found a good film, then it would actually be bad! So I searched up "Overrated P–" and bam, "Driving Miss Daisy" was the only result left.

So call these reviews a trilogy and split this one into two parts, 'cause I have found my golden nugget! If said nugget was actually a booger from an ape that had been snowballed along the jungle ground and given a nice yellow tint. "Driving Miss Daisy" is about an elderly woman who crashes her car, and her son hires Morgan Freeman to either put her out of her misery or drive her to the two places she ever goes. She hates him, he laughs at her, and thus bonding ensues, or so you'd think.

This film takes an interesting position when telling its story. It has the choice to either tell the tale as old as time, or mix it up and do something else. And in the end it does neither, two static characters trying to frustrate the other to death until the credits roll. Morgan Freeman chuckles and pretends he doesn't want to cry after being around her and Miss Old sits in the back and counts all the reasons she hates happiness. And remind me to talk about her later, because this woman could drive a drill sergeant to curl up into the fetal position on his bed in a way "Requiem for a Dream" would've taken inspiration from.

"Dragging Miss Pacing" falls under the category of "Movies No One Is Allowed To Dislike Because They're Old Fashioned", and the new Academy once again failed to surprise when picking the most politically correct period piece award, also known as "Best Picture". Hell, the only reason "Selma" didn't win is because they figured they couldn't give the same film two wins in a row. But even I'm partially reluctant to call this film bad. "It has its heart in the right place, and it doesn't mean anyone harm!" cries my conscience. "But it's still more tedious than trimming your nails by rubbing them against the wall!" replies my brain/barber. It's a lot like a weird kid who blows bubbles out of his nose on the playground, no one really cares for him but everyone shows up at his birthday party because one of his parents is the mayor.

Hey, who threw this ancient nugget at me? Oh right, Miss Daisy. *ahem* This woman is like if evil could dress up in too many clothes and knit a blanket with a picture of a child losing its mother in a supermarket on it. She hates absolutely anything and anyone, and she employs the tedious kind of hatred. Where if you help her, she claims she doesn't need it, and while you stand there and watch her she gives you the stinky eye and calls you an inconsiderate doorknob. I wouldn't mind this character, in fact hers is the one I usually love, but she stays this way through the entire film, and it's hard to root for two people to become friends while one is out to hurt the other's feelings just because they don't like the way life looks at them. Somehow, Jessica Tandy won an Academy Award for her performance, and if being old and alternating between reading your lines sadly and angrily warrants an Oscar, then point a digital camera at my grandma when she talks to customer service and just mail us the statue.

One thing I can commend the film on is being the only movie to make my eyes protrude from my skull upon seeing the runtime of it. 99 minutes has never seemed longer, and spending it with Miss Diapers-In-A-Bunch will give you a nice reason to go outside and scream for the same length of time. Yes, the costumes and makeup are good, but if I wanted to step back in time I would buy a ticket to a museum and speed-walk through the cave drawings so I could get to the ice cream shop at the end.

Quality: 2 / 5

My Rating: 1.5 / 5

Overall: 3.5 / 10