It’s no secret that weed is green. Or maybe it isn’t, I’m not sure. The only time I’ve seen it in person is when I went undercover with my DEA father. Sorry for busting your cover, daddy. Inspired by the mid-level dreams of potheads and stoners (or poners, as I like to call them), I’ve personally designed five new ways to toke up and get as high as a drone.

1. Green Sauna

The tamest method of the bunch, a Green Sauna is exactly what it sounds like. Place a brick of weed in the sauna rocks, pour some boiling hot water over it, and vaporize into heaven. Or at least that’s what I imagine getting high feels like.

2. Yum Yum Steak

If vaporizing isn’t your thing, then maybe using Mary Jane as a garnish is. Smash some weed together as if to make a coal in a barbecue. Then invite some friends over (B.Y.O.B.) and place the pot-coal (or poal) in the barbecue. Finally, light it up and place some steak on the grill. Keep the barbecue lid shut whilst cooking; this helps the steak acquire that presumably sweet, smoky flavor.

3. Car Bombed

Here’s another way to toke up, but this one is a bit more work intensive. First, you’ll have to locate the manual in your car. Next, you’ll want to take the catalytic converter out. This can be done at home with some screwdrivers, probably. Maybe a hammer? I don’t know. After the converter is removed, crack it open and sprinkle your weed inside, as if sprinkling sprinkles onto a sprinkly cake with sprinkles. Close the converter, put it back in the car, and pull your vehicle out into the driveway. Leave the car running and place your mouth all the way around your exhaust pipe. Inhale and feel the rush of carbon dioxide, nitrogen, and marijuana entering your lungs.

4. Blazin' Anti Grav

Should your car not be repossessed after your high ass forgets to pay the loan, this method also requires a vehicle. Warning: the Blazin’ Anti Grav is not for the faint of heart. The difficulty level is extremely high due to the necessary incredible sense of timing. Still here? Let’s go. First, roll a joint and have it ready to light. Next, begin driving your car on a road of your choosing. Speed up until you feel you could easily lose control. Light your joint, and then on that famous corner that killed your cousin, roll your car off the road. Inhale just at the moment when you start to feel weightless. The pot smoke (or poke) will hover within your lungs and esophagus for a long amount of time, making the high totally worth a broken rib or two.

5. Barnburner

If you’ve tried each toking up method thus far, congratulations: I have not succeeded in my attempt to kill you. But this last one might do it. First, sober up and head to Ace Hardware. You’re going to buy some lumber and a whole mess of paint. After that, hire an Amish man to help you make blueprints for a barn. Make friends with the Amish, they are a kind people. And, they’ll help you build your barn if you teach them the ways of Internet porn. Next, crush your weed and mix it with the paint. Spend several pain-staking days painting your barn. Finally, on a fateful night in October, light the barn on fire and stand in the middle. Inhale and laugh like a maniac as you experience the hayride of your life. Or maybe not, I’m not entirely sure how pot works.