My parents are great people who did a bang-up job raising me. But that’s the problem. Certain excellent aspects of my childhood have made my current life harder. Here are a few examples.

1. Giving Me Knowledge

Have you ever met someone that says and thinks extremely dumb and ignorant things? Do you realize how easy it must be to be them? The phrase "blissful ignorance" exists for a reason, and I buy into it wholeheartedly. Because my parents exposed me to classes, music, reading, and more, I can’t pretend to ignore the problems of the world around me! I’m expected to make a difference whether I want to or not (I don’t, too much work). So thanks a lot, Mom and Dad -- I love you for helping me become a successful human being.

2. Feeding Me Well

My mom is an excellent cook and well, my skills just aren’t up to par. My budget also isn’t nearly the size of my mother’s. When I’m at home I get to eat shrimp alfredo, delicious casseroles, and more cookies than should be legal. When I’m back at my apartment, I get such scrumptious delights as mac and cheese, toast, and spoonfuls of peanut butter. So thanks, Mom, for raising my childhood standard of living so high that as I get older, it will only go down.

3. Making Me Happy

It’s the mark of a good parent that they sometimes prioritize their children’s happiness over their own. My parents did an excellent job of this. Now that I live alone, I’ve had to take that weight on my shoulders. I have to work so damn hard to make myself happy now! I should apologize, for I didn’t realize how crotchety I could be. I sincerely appreciate your effort, but maybe next time let me be miserable once in a while. that way I can recognize the feeling when it happens. Thanks so much, Mom and Dad, you really make me feel great and I love you.

4. Telling Me Not to Do Drugs

Literally every day I hear a story from someone who “got high and went bowling,” “dropped acid and climbed a tree,” or “huffed ammonia and went into a two-week coma.” You know how great they make it sound? Like damn, I really want to do mushrooms and jack off onto a rabbit, but I’ve got deadlines to meet and people to please. So thanks, you two. I live a clean lifestyle and get a lot of work done. So exciting. I really burn up the water cooler conversations with tales of how I watched TV last weekend.

5. Circumcising Me

They say that nothing affects you more as an adult than childhood trauma. How about that time part of my penis was cut off against my will? Hell, I probably lost two or three inches to that devil scissor. Not only that, but it has affected my performance as well. When my dong gets sliced up the first time it is exposed, that conditions it to recoil each time it touches the open air. Ask my ex-girlfriends! The pants come down, the underwear comes off, then my prick-stick lets out a little scream and retreats to only reappear if coaxed by a snack or chew toy. So thanks, parents, for screwing yourself out of grandchildren.