When I look back on my freshman year of college, I can remember two distinct emotions that I was experiencing: nervousness and anticipation. As a natural introvert, I was frightened at the prospect of living in a room with a stranger and keeping my social awkwardness in check. However, I was excited to become involved with my campus LGBTQ community. I officially came out on Facebook as bisexual towards the end of my senior year of high school. Going into college, I was looking forward to meeting a diverse array of my fellow queer students. I couldn’t wait to jump into the world of college dating as well. I had no experience dating in high school and was eager to make up for over four years of lost time during college. However, what I came to realize is that relationships in college, whether gay or straight, are incredibly complicated and multi-faceted.
I distinctly remember having my first hook up (ever) after an LGBTQ dance during my first weekend at school. “Wow,” I remember thinking, “this means we’ll be dating soon.”
I was sitting in his dorm room when he told me that he just wanted to be “friends.”
This concept seemed inconceivable to me. At that point, I had thought that people only hooked up if they truly liked some aspect of one another, and that a relationship would be the eventual end result. At that point in time, I did not grasp the subtle terminology that defined relationships and dating in college.
It seems to me as if most of us will go to great lengths to make a relationship as undefined and ambiguous as possible. Instead of going on a date, we will “hang out” with someone else. If we want to hook up with someone and still have some mobility within the relationship we are “just friends.” I have grown tired of these labels. I have grown tired of the immaturity and insecurity of it all. One of the scariest parts of dating is the vulnerability it presents to each of us. In order for a relationship to actually work, we must open ourselves up to being hurt. I’m assuming this is the scariest aspect for most of us. We all want to envision ourselves as strong, independent people.
We all want to think that another person cannot capture our hearts and refuse to relinquish their grip on us. But, in many ways, there is liberation in this vulnerability. There is something profoundly beautiful about open, honest people in my mind. At this point, as I enter my senior year of college, I no longer have use for the nuanced terminology often associated with college dating. I would like to meet someone that feels the same way. Someone that is secure enough to share in that mutual vulnerability, and hopefully we can grow and develop as a result.
However, I do not regret my past experiences muddling through unhealthy partners and ambiguous situations. I have definitely matured as a person as a result of my experiences, and I am truly grateful for that.
