I was sitting on my couch after a long day of movies, cookies and laughter with my boyfriend and roommates. Quietness started to surround my roommate and I, who were the last two left in the room, as our rom-com finally ended. It was one of those silences that washes over you with its simplicity and comfort, and I knew that things were about to get good.
I am lucky enough to call my roommate my best friend and person. She is intuitive, thoughtful, spiritual and a total romantic. She's one of those people that dissects every conversation she's ever had and explores all possibilities for the reason WHY something is the way that it is.
I am the total opposite. She examines everything in life for the bigger picture or underlying meaning, while I am quick to anger and to speak, and can see the answer for what it usually is: simple and easy.
She began talking about relationships and how she has finally given up on finding a guy. We've had many of these talks before. She has been single for quite sometime, and I am in a relationship. I don't know how that makes me any sort of expert on anything to do with love, but somehow I felt qualified to speak with her on this topic.
She told me how a few of our close friends had been in relationships and pursued by men, only to have their hearts broken. She told me how she just wants to be single, and I could feel her anxiety creeping up when we talked about loneliness.
I offered her this advice which has really been weighing on my heart lately:
Just because you're in a relationship, does not mean you don't get lonely.
Relationships are not a magic cure to make life better. People that are single are often just as lonely as people that are dating.
Loneliness can be healthy.
Sometimes loneliness can wrap around you like a blanket and remind you of who you are as a person. Being lonely doesn't always mean that you are sad, either.
Being alone at the end of the day is one of the most refreshing feelings. Having "me time" is my favorite part of the day, often in the bathtub singing along to Norah Jones—so I suppose you can call it "Norah and Me" time.
Someone once said, "You should learn to love yourself first before you love another person." Boooooy, does that sound true. We all go through this crazy thing called teenage years, where everyone has a boyfriend or a prom date. Having a boyfriend back then was like having a new pair of Hollister jeans; it validated your self-worth and made you feel a little cooler. In college, however, things start to get real when people start to get engaged, or even married, and your old high school friends start marrying the boys next door.
Instead, I feel like it's healthier to find out who you are, what you like, what you're interested in and what your flaws are. (Unless you're Beyonc�é, in which case you're **flawless.) When you find out who you really are (what does that even mean, anyway? Do any of us even know?) then you can learn to love someone else.
The perpetually single girl doesn't exist.
This is important, ya'll. I was once a crazy, stupid freshman, just like everyone else. I thought I was doomed to be a single girl forever and was totally fine with it because I'm independent and don't need a man.
But that hole of loneliness, deep in your stomach? That's a real feeling, and one that you're going to have to confront and learn to be comfortable with eventually, just like I have. You have to, have to, have to learn to be comfortable in your own skin before ever dreaming of jumping into a relationship. As much fun as dating is, it's not for someone who just wants a boyfriend for the Instagram likes. The ability to love, and love well, is something that is hard to learn and even harder to practice daily. If you're looking for affirmation from your significant other every day about your personality, body or maybe even social status, that's not dating well, and you're going to be right back where you were: lonely.
Instead, learn to embrace the loneliness. I'm lucky to call my best friend my boyfriend, but that doesn't mean I don't get lonely. The only thing to realize is that being lonely is perfectly okay, and that there's nothing you can put in that hole of loneliness except for God's love and grace, so put the pizza and wine down ladies. (No, seriously.)
The most freeing thing you can do is name your feeling—loneliness—and use that feeling to learn more about yourself and those around you. Lay in bed on a rainy Sunday, learn to paint or cook, or get coffee with a friend and exchange stories and learn more about each other.
People are prone to be lonely, but we're also prone to question everything about the world, including ourselves. So why not make the best of it?
