Horror movies have been predictable for years, and let’s face it; they have continued the longest and most epic game of hide and seek ever! In every Horror, suspense, thriller and ‘scary’ movie we shout out things like, “Don’t go in there!” or “Why would you hide there, that’s so obvious!” As viewers react as if our logic would be more active in the situation, then the characters that we think present no-no’s and idiocrasies. So let’s eliminate every hiding spot that is no longer usable.
1. The basement
Oh the Basement- what a mistake that is! So who’s going to tell mommy dearest here that there is only one way out of the basement? Many horror movies portray the basement as a safe zone from demonic figures and intruders. Characters usually perceive the basement closer to the roots of the earth, however instead the demons think underground is closer to hell. Intruders usually have a hard time finding the basement, but let’s face it, a random closed door in the kitchen with stairs is no secret. What goes down, must come up…..the stairs.
2. The forest
When in doubt run it out, right? Wrong. Very, very wrong. I have to admit, getting out of said possessed, endangered and freaky house seems like the way to go… until the intruder goes that way to. Think about it. If who he is looking for isn’t in the house, he will go outside, and find you. Period. You can forget this hiding spot! Not even the trees can help you!
3. In the car
We all have that flicker of thought cross our minds that if we could...at least….get…..to…the..car- BOOM. There he is. Or you know, your key doesn’t work and the engine that worked a couple hours ago before the freaky stuff started happening, but no, NOW is when it doesn’t want to work; conveniently. We just thought this would be the key out; think again.
4. Or under the car
DEFINITELY will not see me laying under the car in the wide open field next to the front door of the crazy house, right? Sister, if it didn’t work sitting IN the car with enclosure and locks from the outside world, do not try the 360 flop and just be in open fields. And goodness sakes, you’re never going to be able to get those grass stains out of those jeans! Looks like Friday the 13thwas the right roll for you, you’re out of luck.
5. In the shower
I think there is common feeling that anytime something doesn’t feel right, the shower is not the place to be. You are at your most vulnerable and the water is always just so loud. Unless you’re in a “scary movie” parody film, I don’t know if your intruder will sing along to “Thriller” and do the creep with you; they are the real creepers here. Bottom line- no showers ever- okay, I get it we need showers, but they will find you in there, so make it quick.
6. Under the bed
I don’t know what is scarier- hiding under the bed in a foreign country from intruders or having a flip phone. This image from 'Taken' is one you all have probably seen before; and if you haven’t seen it I recommend it. However, this wonderful so-obvious- not-so-obvious hiding spot originates from the idea that monsters come from under the bed- so why not hide there? If you can’t see them, they can’t see you. WRONG. They can totally see you under that bed skirt-less bed.This hiding spot is long past extinct.
7. In the kitchen
Who wants to attack in the kitchen? Right? I mean, dude take all the food you want, don’t mind me I am just going to find the knife drawer. Oh, you’re a ghost? Okay, how about I run and you try to open the fridge with no hands? In Paranormal Activity 3: Ghost Dimension, the men flee to the kitchen in thoughts that the large mass that has taken over what seems like every carpeted room in the entire house, will not take on the tile; at least I hope that’s what they were thinking. Who ‘hides’ in plain sight?
8. In the attic
Hurry and climb the stairs! Yeah right… because the sound from the opening and closing along with the footsteps above the intruders head won’t be a clue enough that you are in the attic. Need I say more.
9. A ventilation shaft
For those of you who even had the idea to get in the vent system- KUTOS TO YOU. To have the speedy hands and quick thought to literally climb into the walls where dust and possibly creepy unknown rooms and mice are, just, KUTOS. In the movie ’Disturbia’ with the amazing Shia LaBeouf, breaking and entering is the least of his worries when his mom gets kidnapped in the neighbor’s house and learns the way to her through the walls . So if you’re feeling adventurous, by all means; but a plan out is probably a good idea.
10. In the closet
The closet; the perfect hiding spot right? There are clothes to hide amongst and light does not
shine in very bright, they’ll never catch me! Right, because a cracked door AND possibly heavy breathing won’t give it away. Anyone who has ever had to hide immediately thinks: the closet. Come on people, there are double digits in the count of movies that people hide in the closet. But hey, at least you are amongst your clothes.
Thanks to horror movies overuse and suspense of the above hiding places, predators/intruders/ spirits, etc. are no blinder to these places as we are. So, looks like we have no other choice but to all cover our eyes and not move; that’s one place they have not yet exposed- or perhaps lying in bed and pretending we are asleep- no trouble in that? The key of Hide and Seek is to find your opponent; before they find you. To have your eyes on them and know every move. Horror movies with happy endings are successful because someone turns on their brain and instead of letting it search for them- searches for it. Happy hiding my friends.
