It’s funny how things happen. One minute, I’m looking on Twitter, and the next minute I’m on your profile. I see the new girl you're with. She’s pretty, and she’s also blonde. She’s the exact opposite of me in every way. Yet, I didn’t see the heartbreak coming. I thought you’d already did that once. I thought I had gotten through it and moved on. But, here I am…crying.

I’m now on your Facebook page. You guys just got together. I guess that explains why I never got the phone call I was waiting for over break. I can’t help but click on her profile. Man, she is so petite, not like me. Your family seems to like her, too. I remember you told me your family did not like me. That was one of the many things you told me that broke my heart just a little bit more.

Our relationship, if you could even call it that, was not good. I put everything into it, my heart, my body, my soul. I was a dreamer. I still am. I dreamt that you’d fight for me. I dreamt that you’d come back and somehow be different. You would tell me that I was the girl for you and that you love me and could never let me go. Your arms would wrap around me, and for once I would feel safe in our relationship. For once, I wouldn’t worry about all the exes you still have in your life. I wouldn’t doubt that your feelings for me were real, that I wasn’t some girl you picked because you were lonely. I’d stop feeling your judgement about my past. You never let me forget my past, but I was able to forgive yours. For once, everything would just fall into place for me and you, and we would be that amazing love story everyone was jealous of. But that didn’t happen.

Those dreams were going up in flames as I critically analyzed your cute couple photo. I remember you wouldn’t take those with me. You didn’t even want our relationship on Facebook. As far as the world was concerned, you and I didn’t even exist.

I remember the text message. I was at the park we always went to. I looked down at my phone and saw my world falling apart. You told me you were done. And then you told me not to sleep with anyone else to get over you, once again a cruel reminder of the scared, insecure girl I used to be…who I still am.

Memories flood my head now. I realize that we never hung out once without doing anything. You didn’t care enough to drive over if we didn’t. After, you would leave, claiming you were too hungry or too tired to stay longer. You probably don’t do that with your beautiful, new girlfriend. I bet you actually take her out on dates. I bet your family likes her. I bet that you sometimes have nights where you just talk and learn about each other.

Now I wonder. I’m sure she’s a perfectly nice person, but I wonder if she listens to you like I did. I could have listened to you talk forever. I tried to remember every single detail you told me, like how you hated anything orange, or that your favorite pie was peanut butter, and your sister makes the best one. I wonder if she sees you like I saw you. I knew about your flaws. I knew you lied a lot. I knew you were selfish. I didn’t care though. I loved you for you.

Here’s what really gets to me. I would have stayed with you. Despite all the hateful, cruel names you called me, and the constant mention of ex-girlfriends, I would’ve stayed. I would have fought. I would’ve done whatever it took to make it work, because that’s just who I am. I would have never given up on you. It doesn’t matter though; you’d given up on us before we even started talking.

Looking back now, of course, I realize that I was just a distraction for you, a way to blow off some steam. I was your verbal punching bag when you got angry or frustrated. I was naïve because I believed what you told me, even though you told me again and again you lied before. I could go on forever, write a book even about all the things you said and did to me that were hurtful, but I won’t. This letter is already long enough, and you always did say I talked too much.

I’m not at the stage yet where I can say thank you because of all the lessons you taught me. I’m not even at the stage where I stop crying over you, even though it’s been longer than the time we spent together. For lack of a better phrase, it sucks. It honestly just sucks that you get to move on and be happy, and I still am picking up the broken pieces. It’s even worse because the logical part of me knows that I’m better off without you, and when I get a brief moment of clarity I can see just how unhealthy our relationship was, but I still can’t stop my heart from aching.

The stage I am at is the hard one. It’s the beginning of coming to terms with things and moving on. I’ve been through a lot, and I’ve picked myself up and kept going. I may feel weak now, but I have faith in myself and in God. I’ll get past this, and while right now, I can’t imagine a time where I’ll see your picture and not feel a pang in my heart, I know it’ll happen. You might not believe me, but that’s the thing, you never truly knew me. You never took the time to find out that my favorite movie is She’s the Man, or that I used to be allergic to strawberries but they are now my favorite fruit. So you don’t know just how strong I can be. It’s going to be a hard road ahead of me, but I never was one to take the easy way out. (I bet you didn’t know that either).