Double espresso
Two shots of espresso served straight up. Throw it back & take on your day.
This guy is hardcore and nothing short of a badass. He drives a Harley and has a passion for AC-DC, Jack Daniels, and mountain biking. It’s been rumored that when he was five, he wrestled an alligator and won. He’s the kind of person you’d want in the seat next to you if your plane crashed on a mysterious island.
Americano
Espresso mixed with hot water. An interesting alternative to black coffee.
Here you have your average middle-aged man who carries a briefcase to work and is severely lacking in the hair department. He has a fine life—an ordinary wife, two kids, and a decent-sized house in a nice neighborhood—but some would call him dull. Maybe he’s just diluted.
Café latte
Espresso with steamed milk.
The kind of woman you could find married to an Americano. She’s very put-together and a tiny bit bland. She’s nice in a distant sort of way, but mostly just polite and cordial. She’s a strong believer in rules, home-cooked meals, and God. If you want to hear her talk about the time she went streaking in the middle of a Phillies game on her 21st birthday (the single most interesting thing she’ll ever do), white wine is her poison.
Café mocha
Espresso with steamed milk & chocolate.
All the girls want to be her and all the boys want to be with her (but not in a Regina George kind of way). Beautiful, aloof, and a bit unconventional, her life is a long string of extraordinary adventures. After high school, she bought a Volkswagen camper and all but disappeared off the face of the Earth. It’s been years since anyone has seen her. Some say she’s in California teaching surf lessons; others think she’s living in the Swiss Alps with only goats for company. One guy swears he saw her on his African safari vacation, living with a native tribe as their ruler. Wherever she is, it is certain she is continuing her exotic legacy.
Skinny sugar-free vanilla latte
Espresso with steamed skim (nonfat) milk & low-calorie vanilla syrup.
In her teenage years, you could’ve found her rocking chestnut Uggs and jamming out to One Direction in her white Jeep Wrangler that had a Lily Pulitzer-patterned monogram on the trunk. Now, she’s the head of PR for Vogue and lives in a fancy flat in NYC with her attractive banker boyfriend. Non-fat and sugar-free because she has to keep her figure, of course! Everyone knows that lattes with whole milk have, like, 10 more calories than ones with skim.
Vietnamese coffee
Iced coffee mixed with sweetened condensed milk. So sweet it might give you a headache.
You’ll never see her without a big grin plastered on her tiny, innocent face. She's probably the nicest person you’ll ever meet. She teaches kindergarten and sometimes wears her hair in pigtails, even though she’s 30. She’s pretty in a Little Bo Peep sort of way, but don’t get any ideas; she’s given up on dating after her extreme kindness and gullibility were taken advantage of by one too many men. Her favorite things in life include kittens, cupcakes, and Disney movies.
Cappuccino
Espresso with steamed milk & lots of foam.
His wife threw him out last week after he missed their daughter’s dance recital for the “millionth time.” A self-proclaimed workaholic, he genuinely believes the earth will stop turning on its axis if he doesn’t stay late in the office of his accounting job every night. He graduated college with mediocre grades, but was the beer bong champ of his fraternity three years in a row. Now, pending divorce, he’s started sipping Scotch out of his thermos in the morning. Avid fan of American football, poker, and gun control.
Brewed coffee, black
Organic & freshly brewed. No sugar, no cream.
His everyday look includes a full beard, man bun, and worn-in flannel, usually paired with tightly-fitted jeans and boots. He likes to spend his free time reading classic novels, playing the banjo, eating solely organic food, and portraying his liberal beliefs during self-initiated political debates. He lives with his husky, Clive, in Boulder where the two spend their days at local cafes or exploring in the mountains. His best trait is probably either his killer eyebrows or ability to analyze life ironically.
But hey. If you're an AC-DC-loving, Jack Daniels-drinking, motorcycle-driving badass who loves skinny vanilla lattes or a pigtail-wearing, smiley kindergarten teacher who drinks her coffee black & bitter, good for you. Stereotypes are overrated anyway.
